While I was writing this post, I keep beating myself up and saying – this is not enlightening at all… and I’m very very sorry for my future self who will be reading this. I feel like she will despise me and I’m scared and worried if she’ll even exist in the future because what if I fail being her? What if I continued with what I’m doing right now and prevented myself of being her. What if I erase the version of me I’m supposed to grow into fu…(deletes the rest of the post)
I spent the whole night spiraling. When I closed my eyes, different scenarios, metaperceptions and the words that I want to say kept me up all night. Its like my mind is repeating it multiple times in my head so I won’t forget. Typing it doesn’t even help. Nothing helped. I can’t sleep, its too loud in here. I tried everything that had worked for me before, I tried listening to my sleep playlist, meditating, memorizing, reading, I listened to the Weightless album but nothing worked! Its like my mind is bullying me 😭. Insert Clubbed to death song here.
And almost like fate, I recently made a classical music playlist. I put together every classical music that is said to be good for brain creativity and brain function. Plus tracks that research suggests stimulate the mind. I listened to that playlist for 8 hours or more and I’m surprised by how it worked for me. I unkowingly put myself into an experiement.
By 11:30 am, I still haven’t slept at all but I feel stoic or something. Its like my mind just reset or I was posessed. Its not in an “I don’t care” way but its in like “its fine, I’ll just go through with it” way or “what am I overthinking about lol” way. For some reason, I feel energized even when I’ve been awake for more than 24 hours. I was able to do alot of productive things that I would normally feel tired or lazy doing like doing my laundry and cleaning my room etc. I was also able to go to work for 8 hours and after that I still feel energized to stay awake for 3 more hours. I’m like, where did all that energy came from?
The next day, I searched if its normal to feel energized after listening to classical music with no sleep. Apparently, there’s a documented phenomenon called the “Mozart effect.” It’s described as a kind of musical arousal or a dopamine spike triggered by complex auditory patterns. Some studies suggest classical music can lower cortisol and activate reward centers in the brain, increasing focus and creating a natural high. I feel like I was emotionally regulated by this playlist.
And here I heard some people say to not listen to classical music because it will make you feel sad and depressed. That’s not universally true. Not all classical music carries the same emotional weight and I guess I proved that to myself. I even found myself dancing a little to some of these songs. Anyway, here’s the playlist that saved me (sleep is still important though 😘):
The week after I got home from Thailand, I couldn’t stop thinking about Thai basil beef, so I had to recreate it. I needed my family to taste it too, because I refuse to walk around haunted by this flavor by myself. Here’s the version I made. The ingredients are easy to find in the Philippines, and somehow it tastes authentic and restaurant-level… at least if my taste buds aren’t lying, hahah.
Ingredients
400g ground beef or thinly sliced beef sirloin 1 medium onion, chopped 4 cloves garlic, minced 2 siling labuyo, chopped (or 2 tsp chili oil) 1 red bell pepper, thin strips (optional) 1 cup fresh basil (loose)
2 tbsp soy sauce 1 tbsp fish sauce (patis) 1 tbsp oyster sauce 1½ tsp brown sugar 2 tbsp water Lime or calamansi for finishing (just a squeeze)
Instructions
Mix sauce in a small bowl. Combine, soy sauce, fish sauce, oyster sauce, brown sugar and water. Set aside.
Heat oil in a pan.
Add garlic, onion, and chilies.
Sauté until fragrant and the onion starts softening.
Add ground beef or sliced beef.
Cook on high heat until it browns and caramelizes a bit. If there’s excess fat, you can drain a little.
Add bell pepper (optional). Cook for 1–2 minutes until slightly softened.
Pour in the prepared sauce.
Stir and let it cook for 2–3 minutes until the beef absorbs everything and becomes glossy.
Turn off heat. Toss in the basil leaves until they wilt.
Serve it over hot rice + a fried egg on top. You may also squeeze a bit of calamansi too. Its soooo addicting. 🍳🔥
Me, I’m feeling… not exactly sad… it’s more like a jenesequa kind of sadness.
I really don’t like it when I share anything about my love life or personal life here so I try my best to be vague. But this felt relevant and I like writing about something from the past. Hopefully, this is the last personal thing I’ll write for a while.
Its true… The saying where they say if you feel that much love or pain towards the wrong person, what more would you feel towards the right one? I used to think that love can get used up, that if you give it all to the wrong person, there’d be nothing left when the right one finally came along. The truth is we have infinite amount of love to give. It doesn’t run out and limiting the amount of love you give just because of fear of it running out or fear of being too much is a sad way to live. And I had to learn that the long way.
Which brings me here. Falling so deep in love and getting my heart broken so bad was in my bucket list (I guess that’s my way of convincing myself to not be afriad of getting my heart broken before), but so far, I hadn’t crossed it yet. I thought I did before, but its just limerence. Heartbreak does strange things to you. You try new things, go to unfamiliar places, reply to messages you’d normally ignore because once your heart is broken, the fear kind of disappears. Compared to a broken heart, what else could really hurt more right?
The strange thing is you feel this pain because of love. Its just too illogical…love. Scratch that, limerence. Either way, its illogical. You’re blinded by it, and the only way out seems to be hate… but you can’t hate them. You can’t because you make up excuses or keep making sense of what they did even though its not really making any sense. You force yourself to understand because you can’t let go. Eventually, the frustration has nowhere to go, so it spills and suddenly, you’re mad at everyone. Especially men.
A small confession: what helped me the most was listening to Wizardliz. I listened to all of her videos. Seriously. Sometimes you just need to cringe at yourself. Be embarrassed and feel disgusted to see it with clarity.
That’s enough oversharing. This isn’t really a heartbreak playlist (I made a different one for that). Its for when you want to cry or when you’re self blaming and maybe wanted to romanticize it just to survive it.
At the start of the week, I went to a wet market and impulsively bought 500 grams of squid. I still don’t know what I’m going to cook with it. I told myself I’d probably just turn it into calamares. While scrolling online I came across Ojingeo Bokkeum and it looked delicious except that its spicy. And I am not built for spice. So I decided to tweak the recipe a little and make one with the ingredients I have at home.
While I’m cooking this dish I was a little worried that I will overcook the squid and make it rubbery because thickenning the sauce is kind of tricky as the squid was releasing water. Thankfully it turned out amazing though I’m not sure if it tasted close to the original lol. It tastes new to me but its so good paired with rice 🥹🍚
Ingredients
500 g squid 1 white onion, sliced 3 cloves garlic, minced 1 tbsp olive oil 1 tsp sesame oil Sesame seeds, for garnish
For the sauce: 2 tbsp soy sauce 1 tbsp oyster sauce 2 tsp sugar 1 tsp chili oil Black pepper, to taste
Instructions
Heat pan on medium-high. Add olive oil + sesame oil.
Sauté onion first until soft and slightly golden.
Add garlic, cook 30 seconds only (don’t burn)
Add squid, stir-fry for 2 minutes
Add the sauce ingredients: soy sauce, oyster sauce, sugar, chili oil
Let sauce thicken ON the squid, toss until glossy
Finish with pepper + sesame seeds.
Serve with hot rice 🍚✨
You can also toss in some carrots and cabbage before adding the squid if you want to add extra crunch and sweetness. Finish it off with scallions as a garnish for a fresh, bright touch 👩🍳🌿
I’ve always wanted to see floating lanterns in person like the one in the movie Tangled. I honestly never thought I’d get the chance. The last time I searched about it (6 years ago), the travel was hard and I was very specific about one thing: if I was going to see the lanterns, it had to be thousands of them released at the same time. Which meant Yi Peng Festival in Chiang Mai or nothing. Fast forward to last year, I found myself in Chiang Mai… not only watching the lanterns float, but flying one on my own. It still feels unreal when I think about it.
Traditionally, releasing a lantern is about letting go of bad luck, worries, things that weigh you down and welcoming clarity, good fortune, and new beginnings. You’re supposed to make a quiet wish as it rises, like you’re sending something heavy away and trusting the sky to take it.
Did I know any of this beforehand? Absolutely not. I didn’t research the meaning or cultural significance at all until I arrived to Thailand. My inner child had one goal and one goal only: to see glowing things float in the sky. That was the whole plan.
As expected, there’s alot of people. Its usually hard to romanticize things or connect to a place or an experience when there’s alot of people around (for me). But I still tried. I wandered around the venue, looked through booths, searched for souvenirs, tried to feel something.
There was a section where you could learn how to make Krathongs and other handmade stuff, but it was always full. There’s also a part where you can get a massage but the line is also long so I just looked through stores that sells handmade crafts and other things. There’s this one store that sells handmade notebooks and I found a notebook that is really good, like the moment I saw it my eyes instantly twinkled. I bought one for my sister and one extra because I really like the design.
When I think I may have seen all the corners of the venue, I walked towards the food area and found the place where people float Loy Krathongs. I tried floating one myself. I’m still not entirely sure if the river was real or man-made. At the end of it, you can see where all the Krathongs went.
Around 4pm I went to the food area. There’s only few people there yet. I tried almost every food there. My favorites were the Thai basil stir-fry and som tam. I loved the basil stir-fry so much that I tried to recreate it at home. There’s also a donut-looking dessert that tasted like a mix of pilipit or buchi buchi, its weirdly comforting and familiar.
After eating and resting, I walked around again. By then it was night, the lights were on and everything looked aggressively IG-able.
Then an announcement played, telling everyone to go to their seats because the program was about to start. At the beginning of the program, I suddenly felt like crying because of the sound. Its sad and it also made me feel nostalgic in a way that I couldn’t explain. I think they played that sound because they’re mourning the death of Queen Sirikit. It completely caught me off guard. My throat tightened, my eyes filled up, and I was sitting there, asking myself, why am I emotional right now?
Flying a lantern is way harder than it looks, by the way. I thought it would be easy. When I tried lighting mine, the paper in the middle burned up and I panicked because I thought I ruined it. I wondered if I’ll be able to light the lantern up after that. I was so focused in trying to light the lantern and then on my peripheral vison I saw lanterns rising to the sky all at once and my brain just buffered. It didn’t look real. I remember thinking:
What is that floating thing that looks so beautiful?
I audibly gasped. Its one thing to see the lanterns in pictures or videos and another to see it in real life. It doesn’t even come close. Its so magical. It made me stop trying to light my lantern and I just stood there watching. I thought, I don’t even need to fly mine. I just want to be here and enjoy the moment. Everyone around me was staring at the sky in complete awe too, and for some reason that made me even happier.
In the end I still tried to light up my lanterns. Its big and its two lanterns. I still can’t believe I was able to flew the lanterns by myself. This might sound small, but it felt huge to me. I’m officially counting it as one of my greatest achievements HAHAH.
As I watched my lantern float to the sky I thought about my wish and the things I wanted to let go of. I can’t remember exactly what I wished that night but I hope it does come true.
If you’re planning to go to Yi Peng Festival in Chiang Mai, here are the things I wish I knew before going:
Set your drop-off point at the roundabout near Payap Dormitory. This is where cars are allowed to drop passengers. I booked a Grab and arrived at Payap at 1:34 PM, which went smoother than I expected considering how many people were heading there.
Once you arrive, you’ll see two lines: VIP line – uses a bus and Standard line – uses a PUV (pickup-style shuttle). Make sure the line you are on was the correct one. I accidentally lined up at the VIP line first because it was the first one I noticed. The VIP line has a rope with a VIP paper sign, while the standard line is actually at the front along the road, not on the sidewalk. If you’re a standard ticket holder, they’ll give you a hair tie with an orange ribbon at the end of the line before you ride the puv.
Bring a fan and an umbrella. It gets hot while waiting and walking.
The shuttle ride to CAD Cultural Center Lanna takes around 40 minutes. We arrived at about 3:00 PM, and I noticed the air slowly getting cooler or crispier the closer we got. You can sleep on the way. I did.
Go to the food area early. I went around 4-something, and I’m very glad I did.
When going back, ride the bus shuttle going to Maya Shopping Mall if you want to go back fast. I was looking for a bus to Chiang Mai Night Bazaar but can’t find any so I just ride the one going to Maya. When the bus took off I saw many people still lined up in front of the venue with a signage saying Chiang Mai Night Bazaar.
Happy New Yearrrrr! 🎆🎉 (can you feel how I’m vibing through all these r’s?)
I wanted to start this year happy, so I’m sharing this playlist with you. It is made up of songs that made me feel giddy.
How did your first day of the year go?
I’ve always wanted to start the year right… but sometimes you can’t just make yourself feel better when you’re not, like how I felt last year. But for the first time in a while, this New Year didn’t feel sad. Maybe because I was doing alot of other things and being surrounded by people I love that I didn’t even have the time to feel sad.
The best part of today was just hanging out with my sisters, like years ago before life got busy. Just sitting together, talking and doing nothing. It felt really nice. It made me think that maybe its true, the one that I see people saying online about 2026 being 2016.
I hope your year started off right too. I still think that the best time to end anything is at the end of the year. You leave things there and don’t drag them into January. Endings don’t always have to be heavy or sad. Sometimes they’re quiet and peaceful.
Anyway, here’s to starting again. Hope this playlist keeps you company at the start of the year.
I didn’t read much this year but I tried to read atleast one scene per day.
1. Candide
I got this book from a book fair. Its fun to read. Reminds me of Jojo’s bizzare adventures world. But the ending…
2. A culture Of Happiness
If someone asks me for a self-help/ leadership/ business/ relationships/ wellness book I’ll definitely recommend this to them!
3. Zadig
Another good person encountering misfortunes and unfair situations like in Candide. I think what this book wanted to show is that all the suffering you experienced will make sense in the end while Candide shows that life doesn’t have to make sense, you just have to live it.
4. Nanine
This one I read was in a dialogue style format. This one’s about how love conquers all if I remember it correctly. I think it shows that the society is unfair and people can change that.
5. Milk and Honey
I read this in just one sitting and I love reading it. I can relate to some poems. The poems are intimate and emotional and beautiful and fragile. Its about toxic relationship, heartbreak and healing.
6. Lights of Prague
It has a vampire like elements but is not like the traditional vampire romance books. Reading this made me want to visit Prague and see the Charles Bridge and Old Town Hall.
7. Babel (Spoiler!!)
I read this from April until the end of the year. It starts slow. I honestly wasn’t sure which side to pick at first. I was thinking maybe there will be a twist or something. On Robin’s first encounter with the Hermes society I was screaming because he helped them blindly. As I continued reading I started to like Griffin and then he died 😭. In the end I fully understood why sometimes the only language that those in power will understand is violence.
I feel like I watched alot this year. Here’s the list of the ones I liked. I hope I didn’t miss anything. (List not in order)
Snow white
The part where she’s singing on the well made me feel nostalgia. The part where she sings “wondering will he appear or will I be forever here waiting on a wish”. I like Rachel ever since I watched her in Ballad Of The Song Bird. Watching this made me think- wouldnt it be convenient if I just sleep and wait for true love to come and wake me from my sleep? hahaha
Swing girls
Very inspiring and funny. It made me want to play an instrument too. I love it when you can feel passion in a movie, its infecting. It made me like jazz too or want learn to play a trumpet.
Green bones
Watched this on New Year lol. Goosebumps on the last part.
28 days after
I like how it made killing zombies look cool instead of scary. I kinda feel uncomfortable with the memento mori part. Euthanasia doesn’t really sit well with me but I guess that’s just a part you have to accept during a zombie apocalypse. Sometimes there’s no choice but to kill people to end their suffering or to prevent them from infecting more people.
Men
The movie left me confused and scared for the main character. The ending made me so confused. I’ve searched and the movie was like a metaphor of the truth about toxic masculinity. I thought the birth part was just a punishment for the men or to show that men can also give birth but it is actually more than that. It shows the evolving of toxic masculinity and how it is passed from generation to generation.
Another main thing at the end that I didn’t understand was when her husband says that he just wanted her love. I thought “aww” at that moment but when I read the interpretation it means that its just his way of manipulating her or wanting to control her and make her feel like she owes him love which isn’t really supposed to be what love is. She says she wanted peace and that changed things. She stopped fighting.
A dark song
While watching this I was skeptical with the guy and if both of them know what they’re doing and if it’s really going to work. I also don’t like that the woman lied when she was asked to be honest. In the end I like that she realized that what she really wanted was peace and not revenge. I also love the effect of the barking dog it’s scary and really adds to the eerie vibe. When She left the house I’m like shit. Its like she broke every rule.
The wild robot
I wasn’t expecting that this will make me cry but I did.
In secret
It made me think about the machiavellian idea that the end justify the means. Does it really?
submarine
I like the cinematography but the story is very wattpad hahah.
The gorge
It kept me hanging on because of the mystery though its easy to predict as well.
Woman in black
I dont get scared easily but this is scary. Reminded me of that studio ghibli movie because of the marsh.
Its a wonderful life
I cried at the end. It has that Christmas nostalgia that I wanted to feel again. It kinda doesn’t connect with me at first because I really wanted what george wanted as well like studying and being able to travel or leave town etc. But I get that he doesn’t have a choice.
A Complete Unkonwn
Got lss with the song – It Aint Me Babe
Rosaline
Funny and shows how unrealistic romeo and juliet story really is.
The summer I turned pretty
Adding this not because I like the story but because I like how it made me feel. At first I like jeremiah but on the last part of season 2 I started to love Connie. I like his jerk side hahaha and I’m still watching season 3 well see how it goes…
I wasnt going to put it here but Connie is just 👌 aaaahh Conraddd! His yearning and the stares. Aaahaa I can’t get over it.
I think the Cabo part had some subconcious impact on me that I ended up dreaming about it and waking up with an external pain on the right side of my head.
Map of tiny perfect things
Its okay I stayed because I’m so intriqued.
The dreamers
Is a very interesting movie and very deep. It leaves you with more question. I watched it thinking it was dark academia. It made me love the characters as they copy films and at the same time also made me mad for the same reason.
Electrical life of luis wain
Ok. I like the cat part and Dr. Strange hahah
Blink twice
!!!!! —– WTF?—– “I’m Sorry” —— ????? —– YASSS!
The social dilemma
Discouraged me from using technology. It showed the real life impact of social media now. They showed how it affects people when it comes to addiction. How it manipulates people to click and be active. How technology starts becoming an existential threat. It changes people’s mind or persuade it. It brings out the worst in people. Its may not be obvious but the effect is large scale. They are getting better at keeping people on the screen.
The Life list
I like it. It makes me feel fuzzy inside.
The room
I love the mysteriousness.
You (Last Season)
I initially thought I was not gonna like it because of what I read in the commets. But I liked how Joe has been held accountable and has been seen for who he really was. I don’t know how to explain this but I think its really the fitting ending for Joe and the other characters.
We saw Joe being regretful and thinking that he deserved it but then when he sees that he can get out of something he does the bad thing again. It seems like he doesn’t really regret it. I like how the series showed the way he acts like he loves someone and the next moment he wants to kill her and is not even regretful. The way it showed that he’s not really going to be a good father to Henry. He says that he wants to be a good father to him but proceeds on focusing on Bronte. We see who Joe really is. In the previous seasons I admit I did cheer him on with the things he did and now I was wondering how they made it like this cause now its hard for me to cheer him on anymore.
Uptown girl
Made me about to cry in some parts.
Beef
I like it. Makes you see the butterfly effect. I also like the part when they were stuck together. I guess you really will love someone once you get to know and understood them fully. Oh to be stuck with someone and just talk and be honest witrh each other.
Loki
I feel like there has to be another season after the last one huhu
Euphoria
I have mixed feelings and opinions about Cassie and Nate and Rue. I don’t think its safe to share lol
Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse and Into the Spider-Verse
I love it. I forgot to write a note about it
Frankenstein
The last part made me cry
Tulip Fever
First movie I watched with what I think was a peaceful ending… Dane DeHaan!!
Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist
Watching this feels comforting in some way maybe because its predictable? I like that I don’t have to think if the movie has any deeper or poetic meaning.
Bugonia
I like the twist. I’m not sure how to feel about this movie. Its scary and dangerous how people can believe or make up something so ridiculous just because it fits with their feelings or with what they wanted to believe in.
The Shadow’s Edge
The action part was so cool. I didn’t like the technology part hahah.
Zootopia 2
I love Garyyyy!!!!!!
A Star Is Born
Its a sad movie. I can see the dynamic in the movie happening in real life as well. The fragile masculinity, insecurity, pride where a man’s self worth is tied with being superior to their partner or having the attention to him. It made me think of the Filipino Movie The Breakup Playlist.
Nina and The Starry Bride
Watched this at the start of the year. I can’t remember much but I like it. I think I’m torn between the male leads.
Handmaid’s Tale (Season 4&5)
I think if it did happen in real life Fred and Serena will be able to get away and have a better life.
Fleabag
Funny… and sad at the end.
Eden Lake
Unrealistic? Has a teenage version of John Wick.
Elio
I catch myself laughing and then crying through this movie.
I think every trip starts with a small sign that tells you how it’s going to go. I’m not sure what mine meant.
I almost forgot to wear my shoes before leaving the house. I was just wearing a crocs slipper as I left the front door. That’s what I’ll be wearing the whole trip if my father didn’t notice hahah. I had planned to leave at 1 PM, but I got worried it might rain hard, so I decided to leave early. Just as I was putting on my mismatched socks and shoes, it started raining. When I got to the bus terminal, the bus I needed leaves at 1 PM. Thankfully, I left home early! The bus window was clear. (I can’t remember why I wrote that last sentence in my notes app, maybe it felt important at the time lol)
I had a smooth flight on the way. During takeoff, Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs suddenly played in my earphones. AAAAAA. What timing 😭.
There’s also a weird coincidence. The woman I was sitting next to at the waiting area ended up being the same woman I sat next to on the plane. She kept coughing, and I remember thinking, maybe I’m meant to catch the flu on this trip. I didn’t.
The day I arrived in Chiang Mai felt surreal and I also feel a little out of place, maybe. I arrived at night. It was so dark outside or maybe it just looked that way because of the car tint. I sat in the backseat on the way to the hotel while a soft Thai song played. When I arrived, only a few lights were on. People were already sleeping.
Throughout the trip, I kept saying I’m feeling lazy. I just wanted to stay in the hotel and edit photos. But somehow, I’d still end up going out.
I kept pushing myself even when I was tired from the day before. I pushed myself to the limit that my right eye started twitching lol. The back of my left leg hurt too, which naturally led me to think: What if I go home crippled? I was getting paranoid I started worrying if I’ll get rhabdomyolysis from walking too much and die. My body is used to like… 500 steps a day (I work from home) and all of a sudden I’m walking 20k steps per day. I had so much energy to explore, but my body felt fragile. It felt like being trapped inside it.
Traveling solo also brought strange thoughts. I kept thinking, what if I suddenly go insane and started wandering through the streets. I laughed at myself, but the thought lingered.
There was one moment when my SIM card stopped working while I was on the train. I have two sims and both are not working! I bought the second one because the first is almost out of data. At first, I thought there was just no signal. But even when I reached Terminal 21, there was still no connection, no internet, no Google Maps. Strangely, I wasn’t panicking but I knew I would if it went on any longer. Thankfully, when I went to McDo it has free Wi-Fi. I could breathe again.
Still, there’s something satisfying about challenging yourself, thinking maybe you can navigate without Google Maps. When I was walking around Talad Noi and finding my way back on my own just by memory feels like a tiny achievement or getting a new skill. There’s also times when I unconciously dissociated while walking. It feels like teleporting. One second you’re here, then suddenly you’re somewhere else.
I actually hesitated about going inside temples in Thailand. They’re beautiful, but I was scared of doing something wrong or disrespectful and getting eternal bad luck. I remember as I was entering the temple with the Big Buddha, there’s a female tourist telling people to step over the door/the wooden thing at the entrance that is part of the door? I wasn’t going to step on it but I forgot about that. What if I was going to? That would’ve been it for me.
On the plane back home, I closed my eyes and saw the streets of Bangkok. It felt like a part of my soul was still walking there. Maybe it still is. And maybe that’s what travel does, it leaves parts of you behind, just to prove you were really there. Mine was very literal. I lost my bracelet somewhere and left my glasses at the hotel.
