My forgetfulness Is Gonna Be My Downfall

I used to be so gullible and easy to gaslight. Mostly because I forget things too easily. I don’t really forgive. Most of the time I just forget. And that makes it way too simple for people to slide back into my life like nothing ever happened.

That’s why I started keeping a notebook. A record of the bad things people did to me. People I know and people I don’t really know. My own “memory backup.” Except… half the time, I’d forget to even write things down.

The notebook itself was this red one I picked up on sale at National Bookstore. I thought I scored a good deal, until I realized why it was discounted but it’s already too late. The “leather” started chipping off like dried paint. I ended up wrapping the whole thing in sticker paper just to save it. Still, I kind of mourned that original red leather. It made me think of the red door in the movie Insidious.

When I first used it, I realized how freeing it was to just dump everything on paper. Instead of holding grudges in my head, I could trap them in those pages. It was my way of saying: I don’t need to remember this anymore. This notebook will remember it for me.

But here’s the thing: just because I write you down in that notebook doesn’t mean I’ll never forgive you, or that I’ll carry the memory like a weapon forever. It’s not for grudges. It’s for freedom.

Sometimes, I’ll scribble something out of pure anger, convinced I’ve been wronged, only to realize later it was all just a misunderstanding. Then I laugh at myself for being so dramatic. The notebook doesn’t just remind me of the ugly, it reminds me of how human I am, how messy my emotions can be, and how they shift with time.

And honestly, the notebook comes in handy. There have been times I’d run into someone I knew I was angry at, but couldn’t remember why. I’d start second-guessing myself: maybe I overreacted? Maybe I was being unfair? The guilt would creep in. Then I’d read back exactly what happened, and suddenly I didn’t feel guilty anymore. I was mad for a reason.

I used to blame myself for everything like it was wrong to be angry at someone who treated me horribly. Writing it down reminded me: no, they really were that shitty.

So yeah, forgetfulness might be my downfall and this red notebook might be the only thing that keeps me from gaslighting myself. Every now and then, it also shows me the ways I’ve grown.

Decision-Making Matrix

The hardest choices are rarely the big ones. They can be the dumb tiny ones, like: “Do I spend 80 pesos on a Grab or roast myself alive by walking in 35-degree heat?” That decision shouldn’t take more than two seconds. But my brain likes over analyzing that I’ve wasted time deciding and then after picking, I end up thinking I chose the wrong one.

I think I’ve actually been bad at this forever. In high school, I got a tragically low score in “planning and decision making” on my NCAE. Still not sure how they even compute that and what it really means, haha. Like does it mean I should not be trusted with choices? Hopefully I’m better now.

…So I came up with this little table. Options at the top like Grab, walk, anything. Stuff that matters down the side, money, time, energy, convenience. Then I just color in the boxes: green for good, yellow for meh, red for no.

It actually clears my head. Because “Grab” isn’t just about getting somewhere, it’s about how much I value my time that day. “Walking” isn’t just walking, it’s patience and maybe a mini workout. This table can also come in handy when planning a trip.

Overthinking makes everything harder than it has to be. Life isn’t about picking perfectly but about picking and then living with it.

Things I Learned in 26 Years

I used to think that 25 was going to be THE AGE. I’d have my own house, a car, and maybe even be retired because that’s what some random blogger I read at 20 said she did. I thought 5 years was a very long time, that I would be able to do a lot of things. But the truth about turning 25 is… you still feel like you’re 24. Or 23. Or 22.

And now, here I am at 26, too old for Leonardo Davinci, yet somehow still not feeling old at all. I still have so much to learn, so many things to experience. I thought by this age I’d be my highest self, but it turns out that version of me might still be years away.

So, for now, let me just share some of the things I’ve learned so far from my 26 years of living on this spinning planet. Everything on the list is worth keeping, especially the ones at the very end.

– Not wanting something is as good as having it

– Being humble and self sabotaging is not the same!

– If you can’t be happy by yourself you have nothing

– Know your worth and go where you’re valued

– Love yourself. If you don’t love yourself you put up with abusive partners

– Don’t be afraid to lose something small. Let go and something bigger will come

– Never justify a shitty person’s behavior. Take people as they are or at face value

– Your happiness depends solely on you and not from other people.

– Reading books helps in developing empathy

– Be interested not interesting

– Comparison is the thief of joy.

– Let yourself be misunderstood. Let people believe what they want to believe

– Silence is powerful

– Not everything is personal. The world doesn’t really revolve around you

– Negativity is poison

– Romanticize your life cause magic exists where you choose to find it

– Keep taking pictures. Record everything.

– Always think long term or be intentional

– When you’re overthinking don’t think why. Ask yourself how

– Its not about what happened to you its how you choose to deal with it

– You get more peace when you see the temporary nature of things and accept it. Let it.

– Too much self awareness can sometimes be harmful. Especially when you have to overthink and over analyze everything that you do. Your reaction doesn’t always need to have a reason or an explanation. It just leads to you to look for faults within yourself or questioning yourself if you’re normal. Being normal doesn’t mean a perfect childhood, a perfect personality and a perfect mind. Yes the past has an effect on the present but the good thing is you can choose what to do and how to react now.

– If you don’t like what you’re becoming around other people be more aware of yourself. You can’t always just avoid people or cut off people every time it gets inconvenient

– Absence doesn’t make the heart go fonder. Its just some form of manipulation

– People pleasing make people stay. But its unfair to yourself. Set boundaries. You don’t owe anything to anyone.

– If he can’t plan a date how can you expect him to plan the future

– Invest in people who invest in you

– Accept what people give, let people help you and practice gratitude.

– Building a family is a commitment to love someone. Its not just about raising children

– Being a lover or soft girl feels good

– Listen to understand

– Be cringe and happy

– Don’t be scared of liking something that most people don’t. Talk about what you love more and keep quiet about what you don’t except in the moments that truly matter.

– Routines makes you feel in control

– Work smarter not harder in every part of life

– You can definitely fake it till you become it. Intentionally act like the person you want to become

– Do something you love with something you don’t like. Temptation bundle

– Don’t wait to do things. Do it now and be extreme before you lose your enthusiasm.

– Sex appeal is not the naked body but its the possibility

– Your job doesn’t care about you so don’t stress too much about it

– Using social media to seek validation is the worst way to use social media

– There’s a big difference in enjoying your youth and destroying your future

– Karma is real

– If you force yourself to forget the bad things, you become forgetful

– When making a decision ask why you should not choose it instead of why you should and you’ll be able to make a decision quick through that.

– Don’t let yourself stay in a position where you suffer just because of fear of what comes after being happy

– Enjoy life and have fun. Life is short.. so stay away from people that make your life here on earth worse

– The difficult days won’t consume your entire existence

Conversations as a Different Kind of Diary

Last month, I went on a trip that left me exhausted. Nothing went to plan, the weather, the places, everything didn’t go as expected. When I came home, I was too worn out to even make sense of it in my head. I’m so tired that I knew I’ll fall asleep soon as I hit my bed but when I get home I can’t go to sleep.

Why I’ll Never Date Someone With The Same Birthday As Me (and other random thoughts)

There was this boy I liked once. Everything was fine… until I found out we had the same birthday. The moment I found out, something in my brain short-circuited. I don’t know why, but it suddenly felt like a birthday incest. It feels like dating a glitch in the matrix. Who knows, maybe in the future I’ll end up with someone who shares my birthday and I won’t even care.

Anyway, it got me thinking about birthdays in general. And memories. And how I’ve always kind of been weird about them.

I remember when I was really young, my classmates will sing “Happy Birthday” to me in class. I stood there awkwardly, shy and slightly horrified. It feels more like a recitation to me. When they finished singing, I said:
“You’re welcome.”

LIKE I WAS DOING THEM A FAVOR FOR EXISTING HAHAH. But that’s not what I really meant when I said that, I just got confused.

It’s been a while since I last thought of that moment… That same little girl had no idea who I’d become.

She didn’t dream of this version of me. She probably thought I’d grow up and work at a hospital or become a teacher. But I think she’d still be happy for me. I think she’d look at me now and she’d smile. Maybe even say, “You’re welcome.”

It’s funny how our wishes change as we grow older. When we were kids, it was all about toys and cake and maybe finally getting that one shiny thing from the store. Then it turned into wishing for happiness, for our crush to like us back or get married to them, to graduate, to be successful, to be rich. We wanted so much. Everything felt like it needed to be big and loud. But now? I think I just want peace. A quiet, gentle kind of life. Slow mornings, no pressure, real connections, and a brain that isn’t constantly running in a hundred directions.

Maybe growing up isn’t about reaching some shiny destination, but about slowing down, softening, and learning how to come home to yourself.

written in between existential crises
–Belle

People Are like Art

Maybe the good we see in others is just our own. And the darkness we see in them is ours too.

When I go to museums or art galleries, I’m interested in how people interpret art or how it makes them feel because most of the time it doesn’t really tell about the art but more about them or their mind and experiences.

People are also like art. People are messy, abstract, layered and open to interpretation but most of the time, what we’re really seeing is actually just us in them.

I had this thought while staring at my ceiling (as one does): What if the good we see in others is literally just the good in us bleeding on them? What if we’re really just recognizing kindness we already have in ourselves?

Sometimes we expect people to act like us or assume they like what we like. For example, there was this food I didn’t enjoy, and I had some extra. I figured my friend wouldn’t like it either, so I didn’t offer it. Later, I found out they actually loved that food and thought I was being selfish. In reality, I was just projecting my own preferences onto them without even realizing it.

Maybe we’re just holding up a mirror. Maybe they’re not even that great, but we’re projecting. Like, you think you’re amazing (whether you admit it or not), so you assume other people are too. The same way people project their insecurities, what if we also project our goodness?

And I know, I know, this is sounding a bit disillusioned… but stay with me. Because there’s a flip side:

What if the very thing about someone that annoys you, disgusts you, or even scares you is actually the part of yourself you’re trying hardest to suppress? What if the darkness we see in others is, in some way, our own?

There’s still something strangely beautiful about that idea. Because it would mean that every interpretation we have of someone isn’t just about them it’s also a reflection of how deeply we’re beginning to understand ourselves.

And if that’s true… maybe judgment isn’t the enemy after all. Maybe it’s just the first step toward self-awareness.

I hope that by realizing that the way we see others reflects who we are, we also learn to be kinder to ourselves. That instead of pushing those darker parts away, we learn to understand them, soften toward them, and maybe even heal.

On Eco Bags and Emotional Attachments

I was buying a handmade eco bag. Naturally, I wanted the perfect one, something sturdy, something without flaws. Something that looked good and wouldn’t easily break.

Eventually, I found a bag that seemed strong and well-made, with only a few imperfections. I saved it, just in case I’d find something better.

And then I did, another bag with fewer flaws, almost perfect. But I had been holding on to the first one for so long, I felt bad letting it go. So, I saved both and kept browsing.

But then I got tired. And stopped searching.

When it came down to choosing between the two, I picked the first one not because it was better, but because it felt right. I couldn’t explain it. My intuition seems to be telling me that we were meant to be. The second one might’ve been closer to “perfect,” but I’ve learned to like the flaws of the first one. I saw charm in them. I didn’t think I could feel the same way about the second and if I got the second I know I would be thinking of the first one and maybe even regret it.

Maybe that’s how attachment in relationships works, too.

You hold on to someone not because they’re flawless, but because something about them feels familiar and comforting. You’re scared to let go, afraid you’ll never feel that kind of connection again or that it will haunt you.

Is that love? Maybe. Maybe it’s just attachment. Maybe it’s both.

Sometimes it’s a good thing. But when it starts doing you more harm than good, the hardest but kindest thing you can do is let go. I don’t mean “choose the other”, what I mean is choose yourself. Choose what brings peace to your soul. Choose what makes you genuinely happy. Let your intuition speak, and trust it enough to listen.

That way, your future self will thank you for making the decision you won’t regret.

Notes from Someone Still Learning to Shape Her Life

I used to feel like life was racing ahead of me. Everyone else seemed to know what they were doing, what career to pursue, what words to say, what choices to make. Meanwhile, I still didn’t know how to small talk without sounding like I was glitching. It was like they had access to some secret manual I never got. Like they had lived this life before and were just replaying it effortlessly, while I was fumbling through my very first try.

For the longest time, I felt clueless. So I just copied what other people said was good or moral or mature, what society says, what religion says. Yet I still constantly questioned myself, compared timelines, and felt like I was two steps behind.

But something changed when I stopped looking at everyone else and started looking inward.

I realized I have been moving forward just not in the same direction, and not at the same speed as others. I’ve healed parts of myself that no one else could see, learned to stop people-pleasing and discovered how comforting it is to enjoy my own company. I’ve wandered, paused, and begun again. And slowly, I’ve started to fall in love with the person I’m becoming.

I still don’t know exactly how things will unfold. I can’t predict the future. But what’s changed is this: I now know the kind of person I want to become. I know what I value, what I need, and the kind of life I want to build around that. And for now, that’s more than enough.

I just need to keep choosing the things that aligns with that version of myself while staying present enough to enjoy where I am. To grow, explore, and change. To make clear, gentle choices, not ones driven by fear or pressure. And to keep moving with integrity, even when no one’s looking, even when it’s easier not to.

In my own time. In my own way. That’s enough for now.

I Might Not Do Tarot Readings Again

Last December someone gifted me an adventure time tarot deck and I was happy and excited to use it. That same person was also the first one I ever read for. Though I didn’t really did well since I don’t know the cards well but I know the Adventure time characters so I could guess what each card meant based on the characters or what they’re doing. Weird thing is, before I met with that person, I had a bad dream and what’s even more crazy is something bad did happen a week before that to them. I don’t know if it had some significance or it was just something that happens.

After that, I kept reading for myself. Whenever I have a question, I’d shuffle the deck, pull a card, Google the meaning, and just… interpret. It’s nothing new to me though. Even before, I used to listen to card readings on YouTube which sometimes are accurate. Too accurate sometimes it even made me believe that a certain person was my soulmate. But the truth is when you’re with an avoidant person, you look for a reason to hold on to it even if it’s not based on any kind of reality. I realized that after being in a secure relationship. When I’m in a secure relationship, it’s just enough for me to know that we both love each other.

When something’s bugging my mind, I just ask and look at the tarot reading. It’s now much easier to do too because I can just tell Ai about the cards I picked and tell me what it meant. Doing the reading kinda gave me peace of mind. Even though I know it is not real, it gave me a temporary answer and made me stop overthinking.

There’s one time when my cat got lost. I was so worried about my cat and can’t stop thinking about it that I did a reading. It turned out that my reading was correct. It says that my cat was in my neighbor and they were thinking twice whether they should keep it or not but I shouldn’t worry because soon the cat will be back and that’s literally what happened. My neighbor brought the cat back saying that they heard that my dad was looking for a cat. How accurate it was kind of freaked me out.

I also did a tarot reading for my younger sister and friend too. They told me the reading was accurate like when I mention about a person or a situation, they say it sounds like someone they knew or like how did it knew that this person is working at somewhere related to transportation?

Last night, I lost my cat again. I tried to search everywhere. I checked all the usual spots but nothing. His sibling seems to be looking for him as well and it made me worry even more. I shuffled my card and did a reading and it says that my cat might be farther than expected but safe and that it was being taken care of by someone young. The next day, I was preparing my food when I felt a cat between my feet, I looked down and saw the missing cat and realized that the cat was just inside our house the whole time.

That made me realize that the reading was wrong. I don’t know why, but it made me rethink everything. Not just that reading, but all of them. The way I put so much weight into the possibility that a card knew more than I did. The way I used tarot as a crutch when I could’ve just asked questions out loud to the person or to myself.

Maybe I won’t do tarot for a while or ever. Maybe I’ll sit with the discomfort instead of not having an answer. And maybe, not everything is supposed to be understood or known.