I see you lately in all my dreams. You needed saving in a burning apartment. I blow you a kiss and I lock you in.
That’s from a song I was recently hooked in – Death Grips by Etta Marcus
I thought I’d give you an update on my life lately.
I’ve been doing well.
Yesterday I watched the movie Swiss Army Man. Its added to my fav movie list now. I thought it was pure comedy but it turned out to be an unusual deep tear-jerker movie and I LOVE IT. I especially love these lines:
“Everything poops.” — Hank.
“If my best friend keeps his farts from me, what else is he hiding from me, and why does that thought make me feel so alone?” — Manny.
“But maybe everyone’s a little bit ugly. Yeah, maybe we’re all just ugly, dying sacks of shit and maybe all it’ll take is one person to just be okay with that, and then the whole world will be dancing and singing and farting, and everyone will feel a little bit less alone.” — Manny.
I think the message of the movie is about how shame creates distance between people. The way we hide some parts of ourselves that is actually a normal human body function like farting because of shame. Farting in the movie is like a metaphor for how much we censor ourselves just to be accepted. We start performing a version of ourselves instead of just being ourselves.
Everyone farts. Everyone is awkward and has moments they’d rather hide. The only difference is how well we hide it. And that’s where the loneliness comes in. When everyone is pretending they don’t have these “ugly” parts, it creates this silent pressure to look perfect but it is isolating. If no one shows their real self, no one feels truly seen. If even one person is openly, unapologetically human, it helps others feel safe enough to do the same. The more you accept your own “ugly” parts, the less power shame has over you and the more real your connections become.
After watching the movie it made me think about this and I thought I should write it even how ridiculous it sounded:
Sometimes we were just caught up in other people’s shit and their shit doesn’t have anything to do with us. And our shit doesn’t have anything to do with them either. Though eventually their shit might get mixed up with our shit or affect our shit in some way, we have the power to control our shit in a way that is better for our shit and even for other people’s shit.
I said alot of “shit” there hahah but that probably maybe is the most un-AI thing you’ll read today or maybe in a while.
That’s it for my update. See you on the next one ദ്ദി ( ᵔ ᗜ ᵔ ).
I have spent years trying to convince myself and everyone else that I was human enough.
Not in a science-fiction sense as if I’m a robot or an alien or another specie. I wasn’t questioning whether I had a soul. It is more like standing in a room full of people who all seemed tounderstand it. They cried at the right moments without overthinking it, laughed easily and wore their feelings like a second skin. There I was on the other side wondering why I felt like I was just watching it all behind a glass.
What makes a person human, exactly? I used to think about this like it was a riddle I could solve if I thought hard enough. I’d go so deep into my own head that I’d forget my name. I’d lose the thread of where I ended and my thoughts began. I still do this sometimes and it is not going away.
“The most common form of despair is not being who you are.” — Søren Kierkegaard
What I was experiencing is called emotional suppression. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who suppress their emotions don’t experience them less intensely. They just carry the weight of them alone and their bodies and minds pay the price. Higher stress levels. Difficulty connecting with others. A kind of loneliness that’s hard to explain because everything on the outside looks fine.
That was me. Everything was fine. My face said so.
The first time I realized I felt things more intensely than most people around me, my instinct wasn’t to lean into it but to hide it. To perform neutrality. To master the poker face. If I didn’t show it, no one could use it against me. No one could look at me like I was too much. I became very good at it.
What I didn’t realize was that I was becoming a stranger to myself.
For years I wore it like an armor, and I thought I was protecting myself. On the outside, happy and sad and furious all looked the same, a kind of calm, unbothered neutrality that people probably read as composed. On the inside, I was a weather system. Thunder with no sound. I was exploding constantly and no one around me had any idea, because my face was always neutral.
I wouldn’t say I woke up one day and decided to change. It didn’t happened in a heartbeat. It was gradual. I started learning. Slowly, then all at once. I tried to get to know more about myself. What it means to be someone who feels deeply in a world that often rewards people who perform with less emotion. I started paying attention to what was actually happening inside me.
And then, just last year, something shifted. I cried. It was the kind where you don’t care what your face is doing. I laughed so hard at something stupid that my stomach hurt. I told someone I was angry, and I meant it, and I didn’t immediately soften it into something easier for them to hear just to make them feel comfortable. I felt things and I let my face show it.
I made myself feel safe. That’s the thing no one tells you. Sometimes the person who has to give you permission to feel is you. I would have loved for someone to have done that for me when I was younger. I would have loved for someone to sit across from me and say: all of it is okay. The big feelings, the loud feelings, the ones that don’t make sense. You are not too much or broken. You just feel things, and that is one of the most human things there is.
But no one did, and so I’m telling it to myself now. It may be late but not too late.
There is something quietly revolutionary about letting yourself feel. It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you present. It makes you real and free.
At a young age I was pushed so hard to admit the truth that lying started to feel pointless. The truth was obvious anyway and I have never regretted saying the truth ever since. Sometimes the truth is the only thing that makes the weight in your chest a little lighter.
I hold a deep reverence for an oath where once I swear to god, I’m bound to tell the truth. Some people probably feel the same way. When someone asks me to swear, it almost feels like they already know the answer and are just waiting for me to confirm it so I just say it.
Lying is complicated. People notice patterns. If your story doesn’t match the last thing you said, that’s when things start falling apart. I don’t really understand why people lie about small things. The kind of lies that aren’t protecting anyone or sparing anyone pain. But I guess I’m not them. Maybe for them it’s embarrassing to tell the truth or maybe it feels easier to lie. I am good at noticing when someone else is lying. Sometimes I just pretend I didn’t notice but if its something that matters, I have to understand why they felt they couldn’t just say it.
There is one kind of lying that I think is harmless and kind of fun. When you go somewhere and a stranger you know you’re not going to meet again asks for your name or your life, you can just give them a different version. You can just tell them a different name, or say that you’re married, act dumb, say self-sabotaging or weird things or claim you failed school or say that you work at a morgue or as a ghost writer or a barista or a fortune teller, any job you feel like at any moment or any life that feels interesting. It’s fun cosplaying as a different person for minutes. It’s its own kind of performance and then you leave, and they’ll never know who you actually were. Identity is not really as fixed as we think.
It’s strange how we sometimes sabotage the very things we say we want. Oh how quickly our excitement turns into avoidance. You make a vision board. You start a challenge. And then a few days later you abandon it, like the version of you who cared about it was a completely different person.
We live in a world that constantly rewards short-term gratification, the quick dopamine hit or immediate comfort. Committing to something long-term suddenly feels heavy. Especially when there are a thousand other options right in front of you. You could do this, or that, or maybe something even better will come tomorrow. So instead of choosing, we just hover. And the more options we have, the harder it becomes to commit to anything at all. Sometimes all we need to do is just pick one thing because staying undecided slowly erodes our ability to move forward at all.
This society doesn’t really train us to be committed people anymore. If anything, it trains us to constantly look for the next thing. Social media makes it worse. You feel clear about what you want, and then you scroll for ten minutes and suddenly you want five completely different lives. It’s hard to stay loyal to your own direction when you’re constantly being shown other directions.
The thing about goals is that the beginning is always the most exciting part. Starting something feels electric but after that, consistency is where it gets quiet, repetitive and boring. When there are no immediate consequences for stopping or when no one is watching or holding you accountable, that’s when most people drift away. The uncomfortable truth is that you have to learn how to commit even when nobody is watching.
It’s kind of like being in a relationship. When you’re truly committed to someone, you don’t wake up every day asking yourself whether you should keep showing up. You just do. Because the decision was already made.
There’s a line from Carl Jung that always comes to my mind: Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate.
We keep asking “Why does this keep happening to me?” but the answer is just somewhere inside us. Our inner world. The stories we carry about who we are. Sometimes we say we want something like success, love, opportunity but internally the story doesn’t match. Maybe a part of us believes we don’t deserve it or that we’re not really going to get it. Maybe we think wanting it is a bad thing because it makes us selfish or greedy.
So when opportunities actually appear, we hesitate. Our ego steps in and tries to protect us from uncomfortable feelings like guilt, fear, or vulnerability. And instead of moving forward, we hold ourselves back.
Then later we call it bad luck. Or fate.
Another strange thing I noticed about desire is that the more desperately we cling to it, the more resistance we create. When we want something so badly, we try to control every step of it, the energy becomes tense and almost repelling.
Sometimes the only way forward is to loosen your grip a little and allow the desire to exist without trying to force it. Enjoy the feeling of wanting something, then let go of the need to control how it arrives.
There’s this bright red and white star that I keep noticing whenever I look up at the sky.
One time I came home and accidentally glanced up, and there it was again. I don’t know why but looking at it made me feel comforted. It felt like running into someone familiar in a crowded place.
I started tracing the stars around it and realized it might be a constellation. I feel happy because it was the first time I’d ever tried to recognize a constellation myself. After looking it up, I think it might be the Scorpius constellation. The red star in it that I kept noticing is called Antares, a red supergiant that astronomers say is nearing the end of its life and will eventually explode in a supernova. Which is strange to think about because it feels like its been there forever. Though I suppose I’ll go long before it does.
It made me think, maybe people from thousands of years ago also looked up at that same star and just like me, felt the same kind of comfort.
Last night I went outside because I felt like petting the dog and my cat. I sat on the stairs for a while and when I lifted my head, I immediately spotted it again.
“Oh,” I thought. “There you are.”
It almost feels like the star is looking back at you, like it’s winking. And it’s nice somehow to think that every night there’s just this one star there, waiting for you to notice it again.
Although I can’t actually be sure it’s Antares. Maybe it’s Sirius instead. I only know it as that red-and-white star that flickers like it’s alive. If it really is Antares, it’s strange to think that it’s technically dying.
Maybe that’s also why it made me think about my cats that night.
When my first cat died, there were nights when I’d hear a cat meowing outside the house. Every time I went out to check, there was nothing there.
I always felt guilty.
Cats were more independent, that’s why I chose them over dogs. I thought they would be fine if I traveled for a week and left them with my family. I thought they didn’t need me as much.
But I was wrong.
Whenever I leave, it feels like they also get depressed. A week after I came back from a trip they get sick.
And yesterday I realized something that I hadn’t really thought about before: I’m there for their entire life.
If you don’t know who Orpheus is, he’s that stupid mortal who went to the underworld to get his lover back. He almost did. He really, really almost did. But then he ruined everything because he couldn’t follow one simple rule: don’t look back.
I used to be so mad at him. I questioned whether he really loved Eurydice, his wife. How could someone who crossed death itself not stop himself for a few more steps? How hard is it to just keep walking forward until the light? I was even thinking, if it were me I wouldn’t do that. I’d wait. I’d endure. I thought I would do better but now I’m eating my words.
I can’t believe I was sympathizing with him right now because I’ve looked back too. I hate that I understand him now.
Orpheus didn’t look back because he lacked love, he looked back because he loved too much. Silence can be too cruel. The heart starts to ache when it is desperate to be reassured.
Maybe the gods chose that rule on purpose. Maybe they already knew he would look back. Maybe they knew love, when tested with silence, almost always fails.
Even when the heart knows better, the silence between footsteps can be louder than death itself.
I’ve always wanted to see floating lanterns in person like the one in the movie Tangled. I honestly never thought I’d get the chance. The last time I searched about it (6 years ago), the travel was hard and I was very specific about one thing: if I was going to see the lanterns, it had to be thousands of them released at the same time. Which meant Yi Peng Festival in Chiang Mai or nothing. Fast forward to last year, I found myself in Chiang Mai… not only watching the lanterns float, but flying one on my own. It still feels unreal when I think about it.
Traditionally, releasing a lantern is about letting go of bad luck, worries, things that weigh you down and welcoming clarity, good fortune, and new beginnings. You’re supposed to make a quiet wish as it rises, like you’re sending something heavy away and trusting the sky to take it.
Did I know any of this beforehand? Absolutely not. I didn’t research the meaning or cultural significance at all until I arrived to Thailand. My inner child had one goal and one goal only: to see glowing things float in the sky. That was the whole plan.
As expected, there’s alot of people. Its usually hard to romanticize things or connect to a place or an experience when there’s alot of people around (for me). But I still tried. I wandered around the venue, looked through booths, searched for souvenirs, tried to feel something.
There was a section where you could learn how to make Krathongs and other handmade stuff, but it was always full. There’s also a part where you can get a massage but the line is also long so I just looked through stores that sells handmade crafts and other things. There’s this one store that sells handmade notebooks and I found a notebook that is really good, like the moment I saw it my eyes instantly twinkled. I bought one for my sister and one extra because I really like the design.
When I think I may have seen all the corners of the venue, I walked towards the food area and found the place where people float Loy Krathongs. I tried floating one myself. I’m still not entirely sure if the river was real or man-made. At the end of it, you can see where all the Krathongs went.
Around 4pm I went to the food area. There’s only few people there yet. I tried almost every food there. My favorites were the Thai basil stir-fry and som tam. I loved the basil stir-fry so much that I tried to recreate it at home. There’s also a donut-looking dessert that tasted like a mix of pilipit or buchi buchi, its weirdly comforting and familiar.
After eating and resting, I walked around again. By then it was night, the lights were on and everything looked aggressively IG-able.
Then an announcement played, telling everyone to go to their seats because the program was about to start. At the beginning of the program, I suddenly felt like crying because of the sound. Its sad and it also made me feel nostalgic in a way that I couldn’t explain. I think they played that sound because they’re mourning the death of Queen Sirikit. It completely caught me off guard. My throat tightened, my eyes filled up, and I was sitting there, asking myself, why am I emotional right now?
Flying a lantern is way harder than it looks, by the way. I thought it would be easy. When I tried lighting mine, the paper in the middle burned up and I panicked because I thought I ruined it. I wondered if I’ll be able to light the lantern up after that. I was so focused in trying to light the lantern and then on my peripheral vison I saw lanterns rising to the sky all at once and my brain just buffered. It didn’t look real. I remember thinking:
What is that floating thing that looks so beautiful?
I audibly gasped. Its one thing to see the lanterns in pictures or videos and another to see it in real life. It doesn’t even come close. Its so magical. It made me stop trying to light my lantern and I just stood there watching. I thought, I don’t even need to fly mine. I just want to be here and enjoy the moment. Everyone around me was staring at the sky in complete awe too, and for some reason that made me even happier.
In the end I still tried to light up my lanterns. Its big and its two lanterns. I still can’t believe I was able to flew the lanterns by myself. This might sound small, but it felt huge to me. I’m officially counting it as one of my greatest achievements HAHAH.
As I watched my lantern float to the sky I thought about my wish and the things I wanted to let go of. I can’t remember exactly what I wished that night but I hope it does come true.
If you’re planning to go to Yi Peng Festival in Chiang Mai, here are the things I wish I knew before going:
Set your drop-off point at the roundabout near Payap Dormitory. This is where cars are allowed to drop passengers. I booked a Grab and arrived at Payap at 1:34 PM, which went smoother than I expected considering how many people were heading there.
Once you arrive, you’ll see two lines: VIP line – uses a bus and Standard line – uses a PUV (pickup-style shuttle). Make sure the line you are on was the correct one. I accidentally lined up at the VIP line first because it was the first one I noticed. The VIP line has a rope with a VIP paper sign, while the standard line is actually at the front along the road, not on the sidewalk. If you’re a standard ticket holder, they’ll give you a hair tie with an orange ribbon at the end of the line before you ride the puv.
Bring a fan and an umbrella. It gets hot while waiting and walking.
The shuttle ride to CAD Cultural Center Lanna takes around 40 minutes. We arrived at about 3:00 PM, and I noticed the air slowly getting cooler or crispier the closer we got. You can sleep on the way. I did.
Go to the food area early. I went around 4-something, and I’m very glad I did.
When going back, ride the bus shuttle going to Maya Shopping Mall if you want to go back fast. I was looking for a bus to Chiang Mai Night Bazaar but can’t find any so I just ride the one going to Maya. When the bus took off I saw many people still lined up in front of the venue with a signage saying Chiang Mai Night Bazaar.
I feel like I watched alot this year. Here’s the list of the ones I liked. I hope I didn’t miss anything. (List not in order)
Snow white
The part where she’s singing on the well made me feel nostalgia. The part where she sings “wondering will he appear or will I be forever here waiting on a wish”. I like Rachel ever since I watched her in Ballad Of The Song Bird. Watching this made me think- wouldnt it be convenient if I just sleep and wait for true love to come and wake me from my sleep? hahaha
Swing girls
Very inspiring and funny. It made me want to play an instrument too. I love it when you can feel passion in a movie, its infecting. It made me like jazz too or want learn to play a trumpet.
Green bones
Watched this on New Year lol. Goosebumps on the last part.
28 days after
I like how it made killing zombies look cool instead of scary. I kinda feel uncomfortable with the memento mori part. Euthanasia doesn’t really sit well with me but I guess that’s just a part you have to accept during a zombie apocalypse. Sometimes there’s no choice but to kill people to end their suffering or to prevent them from infecting more people.
Men
The movie left me confused and scared for the main character. The ending made me so confused. I’ve searched and the movie was like a metaphor of the truth about toxic masculinity. I thought the birth part was just a punishment for the men or to show that men can also give birth but it is actually more than that. It shows the evolving of toxic masculinity and how it is passed from generation to generation.
Another main thing at the end that I didn’t understand was when her husband says that he just wanted her love. I thought “aww” at that moment but when I read the interpretation it means that its just his way of manipulating her or wanting to control her and make her feel like she owes him love which isn’t really supposed to be what love is. She says she wanted peace and that changed things. She stopped fighting.
A dark song
While watching this I was skeptical with the guy and if both of them know what they’re doing and if it’s really going to work. I also don’t like that the woman lied when she was asked to be honest. In the end I like that she realized that what she really wanted was peace and not revenge. I also love the effect of the barking dog it’s scary and really adds to the eerie vibe. When She left the house I’m like shit. Its like she broke every rule.
The wild robot
I wasn’t expecting that this will make me cry but I did.
In secret
It made me think about the machiavellian idea that the end justify the means. Does it really?
submarine
I like the cinematography but the story is very wattpad hahah.
The gorge
It kept me hanging on because of the mystery though its easy to predict as well.
Woman in black
I dont get scared easily but this is scary. Reminded me of that studio ghibli movie because of the marsh.
Its a wonderful life
I cried at the end. It has that Christmas nostalgia that I wanted to feel again. It kinda doesn’t connect with me at first because I really wanted what george wanted as well like studying and being able to travel or leave town etc. But I get that he doesn’t have a choice.
A Complete Unkonwn
Got lss with the song – It Aint Me Babe
Rosaline
Funny and shows how unrealistic romeo and juliet story really is.
The summer I turned pretty
Adding this not because I like the story but because I like how it made me feel. At first I like jeremiah but on the last part of season 2 I started to love Connie. I like his jerk side hahaha and I’m still watching season 3 well see how it goes…
I wasnt going to put it here but Connie is just 👌 aaaahh Conraddd! His yearning and the stares. Aaahaa I can’t get over it.
I think the Cabo part had some subconcious impact on me that I ended up dreaming about it and waking up with an external pain on the right side of my head.
Map of tiny perfect things
Its okay I stayed because I’m so intriqued.
The dreamers
Is a very interesting movie and very deep. It leaves you with more question. I watched it thinking it was dark academia. It made me love the characters as they copy films and at the same time also made me mad for the same reason.
Electrical life of luis wain
Ok. I like the cat part and Dr. Strange hahah
Blink twice
!!!!! —– WTF?—– “I’m Sorry” —— ????? —– YASSS!
The social dilemma
Discouraged me from using technology. It showed the real life impact of social media now. They showed how it affects people when it comes to addiction. How it manipulates people to click and be active. How technology starts becoming an existential threat. It changes people’s mind or persuade it. It brings out the worst in people. Its may not be obvious but the effect is large scale. They are getting better at keeping people on the screen.
The Life list
I like it. It makes me feel fuzzy inside.
The room
I love the mysteriousness.
You (Last Season)
I initially thought I was not gonna like it because of what I read in the commets. But I liked how Joe has been held accountable and has been seen for who he really was. I don’t know how to explain this but I think its really the fitting ending for Joe and the other characters.
We saw Joe being regretful and thinking that he deserved it but then when he sees that he can get out of something he does the bad thing again. It seems like he doesn’t really regret it. I like how the series showed the way he acts like he loves someone and the next moment he wants to kill her and is not even regretful. The way it showed that he’s not really going to be a good father to Henry. He says that he wants to be a good father to him but proceeds on focusing on Bronte. We see who Joe really is. In the previous seasons I admit I did cheer him on with the things he did and now I was wondering how they made it like this cause now its hard for me to cheer him on anymore.
Uptown girl
Made me about to cry in some parts.
Beef
I like it. Makes you see the butterfly effect. I also like the part when they were stuck together. I guess you really will love someone once you get to know and understood them fully. Oh to be stuck with someone and just talk and be honest witrh each other.
Loki
I feel like there has to be another season after the last one huhu
Euphoria
I have mixed feelings and opinions about Cassie and Nate and Rue. I don’t think its safe to share lol
Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse and Into the Spider-Verse
I love it. I forgot to write a note about it
Frankenstein
The last part made me cry
Tulip Fever
First movie I watched with what I think was a peaceful ending… Dane DeHaan!!
Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist
Watching this feels comforting in some way maybe because its predictable? I like that I don’t have to think if the movie has any deeper or poetic meaning.
Bugonia
I like the twist. I’m not sure how to feel about this movie. Its scary and dangerous how people can believe or make up something so ridiculous just because it fits with their feelings or with what they wanted to believe in.
The Shadow’s Edge
The action part was so cool. I didn’t like the technology part hahah.
Zootopia 2
I love Garyyyy!!!!!!
A Star Is Born
Its a sad movie. I can see the dynamic in the movie happening in real life as well. The fragile masculinity, insecurity, pride where a man’s self worth is tied with being superior to their partner or having the attention to him. It made me think of the Filipino Movie The Breakup Playlist.
Nina and The Starry Bride
Watched this at the start of the year. I can’t remember much but I like it. I think I’m torn between the male leads.
Handmaid’s Tale (Season 4&5)
I think if it did happen in real life Fred and Serena will be able to get away and have a better life.
Fleabag
Funny… and sad at the end.
Eden Lake
Unrealistic? Has a teenage version of John Wick.
Elio
I catch myself laughing and then crying through this movie.
I don’t know if I actually read it somewhere or if it just came from my unreliable mind. Sometimes it likes to jump to its own conclusions and invents things. For centuries, women are not supposed to be seen in public without a companion or a chaperone for their reputation, security or to make them less conspicuous. Traveling alone was rare and almost unthinkable.
Even I, up until college, felt uneasy going anywhere by myself. I remember feeling this weird vulnerability just walking to the restroom alone. It’s almost funny now.
For the longest time, I liked to believe I was an old soul born decades too late because of my taste in music and my affinity for vintage fashion. But during my solo trip to Thailand, that idea dissolved. I realized how lucky I am to be alive in this era. To exist in a time when a small screen can tell me where I am, where I’m going, and what to do if I get lost.
It hit me unexpectedly that I made happy noises in a hotel room that I booked by myself, for myself in a foreign country where nobody knows me. The world I once romanticized would’ve never let me move the way I do now. It wouldn’t give me the courage to cross borders by myself. Walking alone through airports and unfamiliar streets feels almost ordinary but compared to the past, it’s actually extraordinary. The fact that I can listen to Mozart every night, on flights, on walks, anywhere is like a miracle.
Thinking about it, I’m actually born at the perfect moment. I was born early enough to have known life without the internet, to wait for a song on the radio, to flip through books… and also just in time to experience the freedom that technology offers now that I’m an adult. The timing feels almost deliberate.
Being able to step into the world alone. Trusting that I’ll be okay, and knowing I can find my way with just a little signal makes me feel incredibly lucky. I don’t want to take that for granted. I’m deeply grateful to be alive in a time that allows me to grow into this version of myself.
