A Little Horror Digest

This month, I found myself deep in a rabbit hole of interviews and podcasts, starting with a green witch, another with a paranormal investigator, and one with an exorcist. They just somehow found me on my feed. Anyway, here are some notes and quotes I picked up that I found interesting.

Listening to these people made me realize how some belief systems overlap. There are similarities that, as a skeptic, make it harder and harder to know what to actually believe anymore. Still, I found these stories intriguing and honestly, I was terrified for two days straight. It’s creepy to know that people have real-life experiences of things you only see in horror movies. I can’t stop thinking about it.

– The Third Eye may be either a blessing from God or a gift from a demon. If an exorcist tries to close it and it still opens, it might be from God, meaning there’s a purpose for it and you’re meant to use it for a greater good.

– Only demons can possess people. Ghosts can’t, but demons can use these ghosts to get to the person.

– During an exorcism, the demon will try to distract or shock you, but you’re supposed to focus only on God, not on the theatrics.

– There’s a thin line between mental illness and possession. Demons can feed on negativity like anger, hatred, or unforgiveness. An exorcist shared a story of a woman who kept getting possessed until she forgave someone she deeply resented. After that, she was finally free. Holding on to anger creates your own kind of hell.

– Deals with spirits often come with a price. For instance, a witch once described how a beautiful girl who practiced dark magic suddenly lost her looks. Something was taken from her in exchange.

– Witches protect their own energy by creating tools for others instead of casting spells themselves. When you buy and use those tools, you’re the one performing the ritual, not the witch.

– Spirits are drawn to negative energy. Places where something bad happened, or where something illegal occurred. Some spirits just want help while others just accidentally reveal themselves to people according to a paranormal expert.

– Angels vibrate on such a high frequency that contacting them can be exhausting according to a witch.

– Ouija boards attract the nearest spirit around you, not necessarily a good one which is why most practitioners don’t recommend using them.

– Witchcraft can manifest physically. One exorcist described a woman who vomited and excreted nails, barbed wires, thumbtacks, and staples during a session. Supposedly, these objects “solidify” when exposed to air.

– The devil is a show-off. During exorcisms, demons love to perform, they try to scare, distract, or impress because they want to distract you from praying. They’re extremely narcissistic and have a big ego or pride. They don’t want to show that they’re losing.

– Priests’ hands are anointed during their ordination, giving them consecrated power when blessing or laying hands during exorcisms.

– Demonic attachments can show up as addictions, things you can’t seem to break free from because you’re being spiritually tempted.

– Blood sacrifices (like pouring chicken blood at a new road or building site) can invite infestations. A demon can claim that place through the blood, since blood has consecratory power.

– Not believing in the devil doesn’t protect you from him. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

– Even small rituals like blowing out birthday candles or setting up a “lucky altar” for New Year’s can be considered forms of witchcraft, depending on intention.

– Demons exist outside of time. Just because the world is modern now doesn’t mean they’re gone. Time doesn’t apply to them. Centuries may pass, but a demon remains what it is.

That’s it for my little horror digest this month. I’m not saying I fully believe everything I heard, but I do find it fascinating how all of these intertwine. Maybe we’re not meant to know the full truth. Or maybe we already do and it’s just too scary to accept.

Dear Evan Hansen Review: What I Learned Watching It Twice

Last September, I got to watch Dear Evan Hansen live in the theater. It was amazing. I’ve been listening to some of the songs from that musical since the pandemic. One thing I’ve always loved about musicals is how the songs feel like their own little stories. They make you imagine entire scenes just from the lyrics. My favorite song from them is “If I Could Tell Her”. That song made me think that the musical was going to be some kind of sci-fi story because of that line “a million worlds apart,” I imagined time travel or parallel universes.

I’ve first seen the movie version on Netflix maybe 2–4 years ago. I honestly didn’t like it that much back then. Maybe it was because I expected a different type of story, or maybe because I found myself cringing at Evan’s lies. Its hard to watch him dig himself deeper and deeper into the lies. It doesn’t make sense to me when he confessed in the end. The whole process was so uncomfortable for me that time.

Seeing it live felt different though. Since I already knew the story, I was able to focus more on the characters. Evan’s choices made a lot more sense. He didn’t start lying because he wanted to, it just happened after Connor’s family assumed things, and Evan couldn’t bring himself to tell the truth right away because he didn’t want to hurt them. Then, when they started treating him like family, he held onto that feeling because at home his mom was always working and he didn’t have that same kind of connection. What I liked most was how, in the end, he told them the truth because he doesn’t want Connor’s family to shoulder guilt or feel like they failed as parents. That moment showed his empathy and his bravery to tell the truth even though it will cost him everything. I cried on that scene.

The performance was so good. Evan’s voice was just as cool and calming as it was in the movie. I liked the unexpected little update they added with the timely “soda pop” line. Connor and Evan’s imaginary interactions were fun to watch too. I think it brought warmth to the show. And I was also fascinated by the way the stage design worked.

Watching Dear Evan Hansen again reminded me why I love musicals. They make you feel things differently depending on where you are in life when you watch them. The first time, I couldn’t get past the lies. The second time, I understood the characters especially Evan.

Catch 22

Last year I was supposed to post about the things I’ve learned at 25, but I just couldn’t hit publish. It felt pretentious. Who am I to hand out wisdom when I still feel like I’m stumbling around and making stupid decisions?

It felt more like I was stuck in a catch-22: wanting to share but not really believing I’m qualified to share wisdom. If I posted, I felt like a fraud. If I didn’t post, I never grew. It was almost maddening cause I’m contradicting myself. I knew what I should do. I could even picture the version of myself that had it together, but I just couldn’t move toward her.

The truth is, at that time I was still tolerating people I shouldn’t, gaslighting myself into thinking everythings fine or hoping people will change, and deep inside I feel heavy cause I knew it wasn’t growth.

Still, there’s something about 25 that feels symbolic. They say your brain (your frontal lobe) finishes developing around this age. It sounds great but being 25 to me doesn’t mean that you’ll suddenly have life figured out. It just means you’re aware enough to notice how messy it all is.

I started feeling fear about the things I never thought or was never scared about before, like getting scammed, or being scared to go solo because of my safety. I was hyper-aware of the risks. It almost felt like paranoia, but it was just me realizing how naive I used to be.

By the time I turned 26, I was finally able to publish the things I’ve learned because I feel lighter. I’d left behind the things (and people) that didn’t serve me anymore, and I walked away without regrets. Maybe you don’t magically figure it all out at 25, but you do start to understand and see yourself more clearly after that.

The Strange Pull of the Collective

I’ve always felt like we’re all connected. You know that strange moment when suddenly everyone’s into the same thing at the same time? People call it the bandwagon effect, but I think it’s deeper than that and harder to understand. Sometimes it feels like we’re all plugged into an invisible matrix that influences what we like, how we feel, even the things we do.

But I don’t like being part of a collective. I hate feeling dictated to. So, as much as possible, I pull back and avoid the mainstream, skip the trends, and carve out space to just be myself. I want to be my own person but sometimes this force feels bigger than me

I remember when I was a kid, I didn’t really like shanghai (spring rolls) because I didn’t like eating vegetables. But one day, shanghai started tasting good to me, and I was enjoying it without knowing that it also has became a trend. Like when I started buying mini Nitotan keychain plushies of Haikyuu characters even before the labubu craze started. I even remember inventing this weird dance move as a kid, practicing it in front of my reflection on a turned-off television. A few days later, I saw the exact same move being used by the dancers on ASAP (a ph show). It honestly made me wonder if someone had been watching me do that dance as a kid and copied me.

Right now what’s spreading is anger. People are exhausted, frustrated, and less willing to stay quiet. Anger at governments that can’t seem to get it together, at prices that keep going up, at the way lies spread online. There’s anger at injustice and inequality too, and at the feeling that we’re working harder but getting less. And I’m not ashamed to say I feel it too.

My forgetfulness Is Gonna Be My Downfall

I used to be so gullible and easy to gaslight. Mostly because I forget things too easily. I don’t really forgive. Most of the time I just forget. And that makes it way too simple for people to slide back into my life like nothing ever happened.

That’s why I started keeping a notebook. A record of the bad things people did to me. People I know and people I don’t really know. My own “memory backup.” Except… half the time, I’d forget to even write things down.

The notebook itself was this red one I picked up on sale at National Bookstore. I thought I scored a good deal, until I realized why it was discounted but it’s already too late. The “leather” started chipping off like dried paint. I ended up wrapping the whole thing in sticker paper just to save it. Still, I kind of mourned that original red leather. It made me think of the red door in the movie Insidious.

When I first used it, I realized how freeing it was to just dump everything on paper. Instead of holding grudges in my head, I could trap them in those pages. It was my way of saying: I don’t need to remember this anymore. This notebook will remember it for me.

But here’s the thing: just because I write you down in that notebook doesn’t mean I’ll never forgive you, or that I’ll carry the memory like a weapon forever. It’s not for grudges. It’s for freedom.

Sometimes, I’ll scribble something out of pure anger, convinced I’ve been wronged, only to realize later it was all just a misunderstanding. Then I laugh at myself for being so dramatic. The notebook doesn’t just remind me of the ugly, it reminds me of how human I am, how messy my emotions can be, and how they shift with time.

And honestly, the notebook comes in handy. There have been times I’d run into someone I knew I was angry at, but couldn’t remember why. I’d start second-guessing myself: maybe I overreacted? Maybe I was being unfair? The guilt would creep in. Then I’d read back exactly what happened, and suddenly I didn’t feel guilty anymore. I was mad for a reason.

I used to blame myself for everything like it was wrong to be angry at someone who treated me horribly. Writing it down reminded me: no, they really were that shitty.

So yeah, forgetfulness might be my downfall and this red notebook might be the only thing that keeps me from gaslighting myself. Every now and then, it also shows me the ways I’ve grown.

Decision-Making Matrix

The hardest choices are rarely the big ones. They can be the dumb tiny ones, like: “Do I spend 80 pesos on a Grab or roast myself alive by walking in 35-degree heat?” That decision shouldn’t take more than two seconds. But my brain likes over analyzing that I’ve wasted time deciding and then after picking, I end up thinking I chose the wrong one.

I think I’ve actually been bad at this forever. In high school, I got a tragically low score in “planning and decision making” on my NCAE. Still not sure how they even compute that and what it really means, haha. Like does it mean I should not be trusted with choices? Hopefully I’m better now.

…So I came up with this little table. Options at the top like Grab, walk, anything. Stuff that matters down the side, money, time, energy, convenience. Then I just color in the boxes: green for good, yellow for meh, red for no.

It actually clears my head. Because “Grab” isn’t just about getting somewhere, it’s about how much I value my time that day. “Walking” isn’t just walking, it’s patience and maybe a mini workout. This table can also come in handy when planning a trip.

Overthinking makes everything harder than it has to be. Life isn’t about picking perfectly but about picking and then living with it.

Things I Learned in 26 Years

I used to think that 25 was going to be THE AGE. I’d have my own house, a car, and maybe even be retired because that’s what some random blogger I read at 20 said she did. I thought 5 years was a very long time, that I would be able to do a lot of things. But the truth about turning 25 is… you still feel like you’re 24. Or 23. Or 22.

And now, here I am at 26, too old for Leonardo Davinci, yet somehow still not feeling old at all. I still have so much to learn, so many things to experience. I thought by this age I’d be my highest self, but it turns out that version of me might still be years away.

So, for now, let me just share some of the things I’ve learned so far from my 26 years of living on this spinning planet. Everything on the list is worth keeping, especially the ones at the very end.

– Not wanting something is as good as having it

– Being humble and self sabotaging is not the same!

– If you can’t be happy by yourself you have nothing

– Know your worth and go where you’re valued

– Love yourself. If you don’t love yourself you put up with abusive partners

– Don’t be afraid to lose something small. Let go and something bigger will come

– Never justify a shitty person’s behavior. Take people as they are or at face value

– Your happiness depends solely on you and not from other people.

– Reading books helps in developing empathy

– Be interested not interesting

– Comparison is the thief of joy.

– Let yourself be misunderstood. Let people believe what they want to believe

– Silence is powerful

– Not everything is personal. The world doesn’t really revolve around you

– Negativity is poison

– Romanticize your life cause magic exists where you choose to find it

– Keep taking pictures. Record everything.

– Always think long term or be intentional

– When you’re overthinking don’t think why. Ask yourself how

– Its not about what happened to you its how you choose to deal with it

– You get more peace when you see the temporary nature of things and accept it. Let it.

– Too much self awareness can sometimes be harmful. Especially when you have to overthink and over analyze everything that you do. Your reaction doesn’t always need to have a reason or an explanation. It just leads to you to look for faults within yourself or questioning yourself if you’re normal. Being normal doesn’t mean a perfect childhood, a perfect personality and a perfect mind. Yes the past has an effect on the present but the good thing is you can choose what to do and how to react now.

– If you don’t like what you’re becoming around other people be more aware of yourself. You can’t always just avoid people or cut off people every time it gets inconvenient

– Absence doesn’t make the heart go fonder. Its just some form of manipulation

– People pleasing make people stay. But its unfair to yourself. Set boundaries. You don’t owe anything to anyone.

– If he can’t plan a date how can you expect him to plan the future

– Invest in people who invest in you

– Accept what people give, let people help you and practice gratitude.

– Building a family is a commitment to love someone. Its not just about raising children

– Being a lover or soft girl feels good

– Listen to understand

– Be cringe and happy

– Don’t be scared of liking something that most people don’t. Talk about what you love more and keep quiet about what you don’t except in the moments that truly matter.

– Routines makes you feel in control

– Work smarter not harder in every part of life

– You can definitely fake it till you become it. Intentionally act like the person you want to become

– Do something you love with something you don’t like. Temptation bundle

– Don’t wait to do things. Do it now and be extreme before you lose your enthusiasm.

– Sex appeal is not the naked body but its the possibility

– Your job doesn’t care about you so don’t stress too much about it

– Using social media to seek validation is the worst way to use social media

– There’s a big difference in enjoying your youth and destroying your future

– Karma is real

– If you force yourself to forget the bad things, you become forgetful

– When making a decision ask why you should not choose it instead of why you should and you’ll be able to make a decision quick through that.

– Don’t let yourself stay in a position where you suffer just because of fear of what comes after being happy

– Enjoy life and have fun. Life is short.. so stay away from people that make your life here on earth worse

– The difficult days won’t consume your entire existence

Conversations as a Different Kind of Diary

Last month, I went on a trip that left me exhausted. Nothing went to plan, the weather, the places, everything didn’t go as expected. When I came home, I was too worn out to even make sense of it in my head. I’m so tired that I knew I’ll fall asleep soon as I hit my bed but when I get home I can’t go to sleep.

Someone asked me how my day went and I ended up telling them about how exhausting the day was. Somehow, in talking it through, I started to see the good in it.

Strangely, as I talked, it felt like I was journaling, except someone else was holding the pen with me. They asked questions and pointed out things I didn’t even notice. And through that back-and-forth, the day started to look different. Suddenly, it wasn’t a “failed” trip, it was spontaneous and memorable. Sometimes its easier for us to just see the bad or remember the bad things.

Maybe talking to someone isn’t so different from writing it down except in this version of journaling, another person you’re comfortable with gets to underline the parts you would’ve never thought to highlight.

Why I’ll Never Date Someone With The Same Birthday As Me (and other random thoughts)

There was this boy I liked once. Everything was fine… until I found out we had the same birthday. The moment I found out, something in my brain short-circuited. I don’t know why, but it suddenly felt like a birthday incest. It feels like dating a glitch in the matrix. Who knows, maybe in the future I’ll end up with someone who shares my birthday and I won’t even care.

Anyway, it got me thinking about birthdays in general. And memories. And how I’ve always kind of been weird about them.

I remember when I was really young, my classmates will sing “Happy Birthday” to me in class. I stood there awkwardly, shy and slightly horrified. It feels more like a recitation to me. When they finished singing, I said:
“You’re welcome.”

LIKE I WAS DOING THEM A FAVOR FOR EXISTING HAHAH. But that’s not what I really meant when I said that, I just got confused.

It’s been a while since I last thought of that moment… That same little girl had no idea who I’d become.

She didn’t dream of this version of me. She probably thought I’d grow up and work at a hospital or become a teacher. But I think she’d still be happy for me. I think she’d look at me now and she’d smile. Maybe even say, “You’re welcome.”

It’s funny how our wishes change as we grow older. When we were kids, it was all about toys and cake and maybe finally getting that one shiny thing from the store. Then it turned into wishing for happiness, for our crush to like us back or get married to them, to graduate, to be successful, to be rich. We wanted so much. Everything felt like it needed to be big and loud. But now? I think I just want peace. A quiet, gentle kind of life. Slow mornings, no pressure, real connections, and a brain that isn’t constantly running in a hundred directions.

Maybe growing up isn’t about reaching some shiny destination, but about slowing down, softening, and learning how to come home to yourself.

written in between existential crises
–Belle

People Are like Art

Maybe the good we see in others is just our own. And the darkness we see in them is ours too.

When I go to museums or art galleries, I’m interested in how people interpret art or how it makes them feel because most of the time it doesn’t really tell about the art but more about them or their mind and experiences.

People are also like art. People are messy, abstract, layered and open to interpretation but most of the time, what we’re really seeing is actually just us in them.

I had this thought while staring at my ceiling (as one does): What if the good we see in others is literally just the good in us bleeding on them? What if we’re really just recognizing kindness we already have in ourselves?

Sometimes we expect people to act like us or assume they like what we like. For example, there was this food I didn’t enjoy, and I had some extra. I figured my friend wouldn’t like it either, so I didn’t offer it. Later, I found out they actually loved that food and thought I was being selfish. In reality, I was just projecting my own preferences onto them without even realizing it.

Maybe we’re just holding up a mirror. Maybe they’re not even that great, but we’re projecting. Like, you think you’re amazing (whether you admit it or not), so you assume other people are too. The same way people project their insecurities, what if we also project our goodness?

And I know, I know, this is sounding a bit disillusioned… but stay with me. Because there’s a flip side:

What if the very thing about someone that annoys you, disgusts you, or even scares you is actually the part of yourself you’re trying hardest to suppress? What if the darkness we see in others is, in some way, our own?

There’s still something strangely beautiful about that idea. Because it would mean that every interpretation we have of someone isn’t just about them it’s also a reflection of how deeply we’re beginning to understand ourselves.

And if that’s true… maybe judgment isn’t the enemy after all. Maybe it’s just the first step toward self-awareness.

I hope that by realizing that the way we see others reflects who we are, we also learn to be kinder to ourselves. That instead of pushing those darker parts away, we learn to understand them, soften toward them, and maybe even heal.