There are just people who just bring out the best in each other when they’re together and when they’re apart, one of them unravels, tossing their whole life over like it doesn’t matter anymore, while the other starts drowning in worry, suddenly terrified of what’s going to happen next.
When I look at my parents, I think maybe soulmates or that idea of “the other half” really is real for some people. Some people need someone else to bring out the best in them like their light only switches on when someone is holding the other wire.
But as for me… I don’t think I’m searching for another half. I’m not looking for someone to hand me my missing piece. I think I want to build myself into the kind of person who feels complete enough alone. And if someone does happen to come along, I don’t want them fixing me or saving me, they’re just someone I happen to like being next to.
Isn’t it unfair how the person who makes you so much happy also has the ability to hurt you the most? Love really is sick like that. It doesn’t ask for permission. It’s too stubborn. It just moves in, tears down your walls, and suddenly you’re saying the most poetic things, makes you dream, makes you smile in your sleep, and your heart skip. It makes you feel like you’ve known this person in every lifetime, even if you’ve only just met them. It’s beautiful and terrifying.
I swear, talking to you was like going through an ego death. My endorphins were leaking all over the place.
Here’s a playlist I made for you. It’s for you, but it’s also for me.
And maybe this is also where a story begins. I suddenly want to write a sci-fi romance. A timeline where we do end up together. Or maybe not.
Just a reminder that once, you made me feel. And I’ll always be grateful for that.
Why I’ll Never Date Someone With The Same Birthday As Me (and other random thoughts)
There was this boy I liked once. Everything was fine… until I found out we had the same birthday. The moment I found out, something in my brain short-circuited. I don’t know why, but it suddenly felt like a birthday incest. It feels like dating a glitch in the matrix. Who knows, maybe in the future I’ll end up with someone who shares my birthday and I won’t even care.
Anyway, it got me thinking about birthdays in general. And memories. And how I’ve always kind of been weird about them.
I remember when I was really young, my classmates will sing “Happy Birthday” to me in class. I stood there awkwardly, shy and slightly horrified. It feels more like a recitation to me. When they finished singing, I said: “You’re welcome.”
LIKE I WAS DOING THEM A FAVOR FOR EXISTING HAHAH. But that’s not what I really meant when I said that, I just got confused.
It’s been a while since I last thought of that moment… That same little girl had no idea who I’d become.
She didn’t dream of this version of me. She probably thought I’d grow up and work at a hospital or become a teacher. But I think she’d still be happy for me. I think she’d look at me now and she’d smile. Maybe even say, “You’re welcome.”
It’s funny how our wishes change as we grow older. When we were kids, it was all about toys and cake and maybe finally getting that one shiny thing from the store. Then it turned into wishing for happiness, for our crush to like us back or get married to them, to graduate, to be successful, to be rich. We wanted so much. Everything felt like it needed to be big and loud. But now? I think I just want peace. A quiet, gentle kind of life. Slow mornings, no pressure, real connections, and a brain that isn’t constantly running in a hundred directions.
Maybe growing up isn’t about reaching some shiny destination, but about slowing down, softening, and learning how to come home to yourself.
Maybe the good we see in others is just our own. And the darkness we see in them is ours too.
When I go to museums or art galleries, I’m interested in how people interpret art or how it makes them feel because most of the time it doesn’t really tell about the art but more about them or their mind and experiences.
People are also like art. People are messy, abstract, layered and open to interpretation but most of the time, what we’re really seeing is actually just us in them.
I had this thought while staring at my ceiling (as one does): What if the good we see in others is literally just the good in us bleeding on them? What if we’re really just recognizing kindness we already have in ourselves?
Sometimes we expect people to act like us or assume they like what we like. For example, there was this food I didn’t enjoy, and I had some extra. I figured my friend wouldn’t like it either, so I didn’t offer it. Later, I found out they actually loved that food and thought I was being selfish. In reality, I was just projecting my own preferences onto them without even realizing it.
Maybe we’re just holding up a mirror. Maybe they’re not even that great, but we’re projecting. Like, you think you’re amazing (whether you admit it or not), so you assume other people are too. The same way people project their insecurities, what if we also project our goodness?
And I know, I know, this is sounding a bit disillusioned… but stay with me. Because there’s a flip side:
What if the very thing about someone that annoys you, disgusts you, or even scares you is actually the part of yourself you’re trying hardest to suppress? What if the darkness we see in others is, in some way, our own?
There’s still something strangely beautiful about that idea. Because it would mean that every interpretation we have of someone isn’t just about them it’s also a reflection of how deeply we’re beginning to understand ourselves.
And if that’s true… maybe judgment isn’t the enemy after all. Maybe it’s just the first step toward self-awareness.
I hope that by realizing that the way we see others reflects who we are, we also learn to be kinder to ourselves. That instead of pushing those darker parts away, we learn to understand them, soften toward them, and maybe even heal.
I was buying a handmade eco bag. Naturally, I wanted the perfect one, something sturdy, something without flaws. Something that looked good and wouldn’t easily break.
Eventually, I found a bag that seemed strong and well-made, with only a few imperfections. I saved it, just in case I’d find something better.
And then I did, another bag with fewer flaws, almost perfect. But I had been holding on to the first one for so long, I felt bad letting it go. So, I saved both and kept browsing.
But then I got tired. And stopped searching.
When it came down to choosing between the two, I picked the first one not because it was better, but because it felt right. I couldn’t explain it. My intuition seems to be telling me that we were meant to be. The second one might’ve been closer to “perfect,” but I’ve learned to like the flaws of the first one. I saw charm in them. I didn’t think I could feel the same way about the second and if I got the second I know I would be thinking of the first one and maybe even regret it.
Maybe that’s how attachment in relationships works, too.
You hold on to someone not because they’re flawless, but because something about them feels familiar and comforting. You’re scared to let go, afraid you’ll never feel that kind of connection again or that it will haunt you.
Is that love? Maybe. Maybe it’s just attachment. Maybe it’s both.
Sometimes it’s a good thing. But when it starts doing you more harm than good, the hardest but kindest thing you can do is let go. I don’t mean “choose the other”, what I mean is choose yourself. Choose what brings peace to your soul. Choose what makes you genuinely happy. Let your intuition speak, and trust it enough to listen.
That way, your future self will thank you for making the decision you won’t regret.
I imagine these songs playing at a tiny coffee shop. I imagine the people. A couple having their first date, two strangers lock eyes from across the room and their love story begins while a Colbie Caillat song was playing in the background, a group of old friends laughing out loud and someone journaling by the window.
There’s a smell of coffee in the air and everything is warm and glowing.
This is for us hopeless romantics who like to pretend we live in a cozy indie film.
I just watched The Hallow movie. While the movie has gorgeous visuals, I was left with more questions afterwards. There were scenes that feels like it could mean something more or didn’t make sense to me, so I tried to look for an ending explained YouTube video but couldn’t find one so I just asked ChatGPT.
I asked about the part near the end where the book flips to a page showing a drawing of the mother, father, and baby. Then I asked who Cora was, the creature that Adam found holding the baby. ChatGPT told me that Cora was Colm’s wife who tried to kill her changeling baby and was later ostracized by the people who thought she was insane. Later on she was killed by the creatures or possibly by a changeling version of her own child.
I can’t remember seeing that scene in the movie so I replayed the movie and didn’t find that scene.
Still confused, I went to Google for a second opinion. And found that Cora is actually Colm’s daughter. ChatGPT literally made up a backstory where Cora was Coln’s wife. I think that’s what they call an AI “hallucination” and it was so obvious.
Also, I have to mention this random thought I had while watching the ending scene of the film. I found myself lowkey relieved when the trees were cut down. This movie unintentionally felt like propaganda for deforestation. 😭
Anyway, that’s not really the point of this post. I just had to document my first time catching ChatGPT hallucinating in real time.
Have you ever heard a song so good you accidentally close your eyes just to feel it?
This playlist is that.
I made this while romanticizing the idea of having my own little cafe and the songs I will play in it.
Since I may have a distinct music taste as most people tell me, I may or may not play this on my coffee shop. The longer I listened to this playlist, the more it sounded like it belonged in a room at 3am where someone can’t sleep too.
Also, playing this made me feel like I was in a trance so I’ll just change it to that.
Notes from Someone Still Learning to Shape Her Life
I used to feel like life was racing ahead of me. Everyone else seemed to know what they were doing, what career to pursue, what words to say, what choices to make. Meanwhile, I still didn’t know how to small talk without sounding like I was glitching. It was like they had access to some secret manual I never got. Like they had lived this life before and were just replaying it effortlessly, while I was fumbling through my very first try.
For the longest time, I felt clueless. So I just copied what other people said was good or moral or mature, what society says, what religion says. Yet I still constantly questioned myself, compared timelines, and felt like I was two steps behind.
But something changed when I stopped looking at everyone else and started looking inward.
I realized I have been moving forward just not in the same direction, and not at the same speed as others. I’ve healed parts of myself that no one else could see, learned to stop people-pleasing and discovered how comforting it is to enjoy my own company. I’ve wandered, paused, and begun again. And slowly, I’ve started to fall in love with the person I’m becoming.
I still don’t know exactly how things will unfold. I can’t predict the future. But what’s changed is this: I now know the kind of person I want to become. I know what I value, what I need, and the kind of life I want to build around that. And for now, that’s more than enough.
I just need to keep choosing the things that aligns with that version of myself while staying present enough to enjoy where I am. To grow, explore, and change. To make clear, gentle choices, not ones driven by fear or pressure. And to keep moving with integrity, even when no one’s looking, even when it’s easier not to.
In my own time. In my own way. That’s enough for now.
Last December someone gifted me an adventure time tarot deck and I was happy and excited to use it. That same person was also the first one I ever read for. Though I didn’t really did well since I don’t know the cards well but I know the Adventure time characters so I could guess what each card meant based on the characters or what they’re doing. Weird thing is, before I met with that person, I had a bad dream and what’s even more crazy is something bad did happen a week before that to them. I don’t know if it had some significance or it was just something that happens.
After that, I kept reading for myself. Whenever I have a question, I’d shuffle the deck, pull a card, Google the meaning, and just… interpret. It’s nothing new to me though. Even before, I used to listen to card readings on YouTube which sometimes are accurate. Too accurate sometimes it even made me believe that a certain person was my soulmate. But the truth is when you’re with an avoidant person, you look for a reason to hold on to it even if it’s not based on any kind of reality. I realized that after being in a secure relationship. When I’m in a secure relationship, it’s just enough for me to know that we both love each other.
When something’s bugging my mind, I just ask and look at the tarot reading. It’s now much easier to do too because I can just tell Ai about the cards I picked and tell me what it meant. Doing the reading kinda gave me peace of mind. Even though I know it is not real, it gave me a temporary answer and made me stop overthinking.
There’s one time when my cat got lost. I was so worried about my cat and can’t stop thinking about it that I did a reading. It turned out that my reading was correct. It says that my cat was in my neighbor and they were thinking twice whether they should keep it or not but I shouldn’t worry because soon the cat will be back and that’s literally what happened. My neighbor brought the cat back saying that they heard that my dad was looking for a cat. How accurate it was kind of freaked me out.
I also did a tarot reading for my younger sister and friend too. They told me the reading was accurate like when I mention about a person or a situation, they say it sounds like someone they knew or like how did it knew that this person is working at somewhere related to transportation?
Last night, I lost my cat again. I tried to search everywhere. I checked all the usual spots but nothing. His sibling seems to be looking for him as well and it made me worry even more. I shuffled my card and did a reading and it says that my cat might be farther than expected but safe and that it was being taken care of by someone young. The next day, I was preparing my food when I felt a cat between my feet, I looked down and saw the missing cat and realized that the cat was just inside our house the whole time.
That made me realize that the reading was wrong. I don’t know why, but it made me rethink everything. Not just that reading, but all of them. The way I put so much weight into the possibility that a card knew more than I did. The way I used tarot as a crutch when I could’ve just asked questions out loud to the person or to myself.
Maybe I won’t do tarot for a while or ever. Maybe I’ll sit with the discomfort instead of not having an answer. And maybe, not everything is supposed to be understood or known.
