Wearing Clothes that Intimidate

Here is a thing I know about myself: I do not like being approached by strangers. It’s not that I dislike people. I just prefer a comfortable amount of distance between myself and everyone else when I go out. A small invisible fence, if you will. I am, structurally, not built for small talk.

Umbrellas are underrated introvert technology. People usually avoid walking under the same umbrella with a stranger. If someone does try to share your umbrella, congratulations. You’ve encountered an extrovert of unusual power.

The other day, I went to the mall wearing something very casual. It was the kind of outfit I probably would have worn in high school, back when skinny jeans and fitted tops were a thing. There was nothing particularly wrong with it, but for some reason I felt strangely exposed.

People seemed to be looking at me. Now, there are two possible explanations for this. The first is that nobody was actually looking at me and I was experiencing a mild introvert-induced hallucination. The second is an evidence that I am, deep down, a little narcissistic, that I think I really do look like a certain P-pop artist, which three separate people have told me over the years. Three people is not enough evidence for a scientific conclusion, but it is enough evidence for me to occasionally stare into the mirror and think, “Do I?” The answer remains unclear.

Whatever the reason, I suddenly became hyper-aware of everyone around me. The guards looked suspicious of me like I just shoplifted or something. I was browsing through a store when a saleslady approached me. I told her I was just looking. An ordinary interaction. Yet afterward, I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was watching me as I walked around. Five minutes later I had somehow convinced myself that she was secretly monitoring my movements through an invisible earpiece and reporting them back to headquarters. It was awkward. Then my brain decided she was judging my outfit.

That’s when a realization crossed my mind about clothes. Clothes are more powerful than we think. They’re like signals. Some outfits make you look approachable, some make you look confident, some make you look like you have somewhere important to be and some make people think twice before interrupting you.

So I’ve been wondering what exactly does the “unapproachable” outfit looks like. An outfit that says, please do not perceive me unless absolutely necessary. Or maybe one that says, I’m a little strange, and honestly you probably don’t want to start a conversation with me. Or even better: I’m so intimidatingly indie and aloof that approaching me feels like a social risk.

Either way, I’ve started thinking of fashion less as self-expression and more as a form of personal boundaries. Fashion as a weapon. Or at the very least, fashion as a “Do Not Disturb” sign.

Since we are talking about fashion, I’d like to talk about planning an outfit before going out. When going out, putting together an outfit, adding a few pieces of jewelry with it and taking extra time to get ready makes going out feel more exciting. It turns simple things like running an errand, attending a family gathering, even going to school into something a little more intentional. You become excited to leave the house, not because of where you’re going, but because you enjoy being the person who’s going there after all that outfit planning.

Another thing that I love to do before I go out is assigning a perfume to a specific trip. When you wear one fragrance while traveling somewhere new, and anywhere else, you smell it again long after and immediately be transported back to that street, that conversation, that train ride to a version of yourself that only existed in that place and time. Perfume might be the closest thing we have to time travel.

Back to the main topic, an example of someone whose fashion style I find genuinely intimidating is Frida Kahlo.

I’ve listened to podcasts about her life before, and I recently watched a video essay about her again. Every time I learn more about her story, I’m struck by how tragic it was.

Her last diary entry was – “I hope the exit is joyful, and I hope never to return.” 

What I especially find disturbing from the video essay that I watched about her is what happened after her death. A woman spends her life suffering physically and emotionally, creates extraordinary art from that suffering, and then decades later her image becomes a commercial product, a totebag, a keychain, a marketing tool and something to sell as merchandise. Its seems disrespectful.

There’s something unsettling about watching capitalism turn a person’s pain into an aesthetic. Sometimes I wonder whether Frida would have laughed at the absurdity of it all, or hated it as much as I do. I think the same thing happens today, with people making content about public figures even while they’re still alive just to gain views. Someone’s crisis and breakdowns gets turned into content, as if they aren’t real people but products to exploit. I hate that. I think it’s one of the worst things we’ve normalized.

Wisdom Of Kindness

“Ang hindi marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan ay hindi makararating sa paroroonan.”
— Jose Rizal

Because its almost Philippine Independence day, I thought I’d share a quote by Jose Rizal. In english the quote is translated as “He who does not look back to where he came from will never reach his destination.” His whole life’s work was about making Filipinos aware of their identity, history and dignity. People who don’t know their history can be controlled and manipulated more easily.

This quote feels especially relevant today, with so much misinformation online trying to rewrite history, turn good people into villains, and praise those who caused harm.I could write an entire post about that, but that’s not really what this is about. On a personal level this quote means that you can’t really know where you’re going (you’re lost) if you don’t understand your past or the lessons from your past. That’s why reflection is important, you can’t grow as a person without learning from your past.

Since this year started, I’ve had this recurring thought about the connection between intelligence and kindness but it gets complicated the deeper I look at it. Intelligence doesn’t guarantee kindness and kindness doesn’t require intelligence. But I can’t shake the feeling that there’s some kind of connection between them.

Its not easy to be kind. We’re all carrying something. Stress, frustrations, disappointments, grief, worries and the like. I think there’s something wise about being able to separate your own suffering from how you treat others and choosing not to pass the hurt along. When you start considering perspectives beyond your own, you also start thinking about consequences. You begin to question actions that might hurt others. You see how much of a person’s story is hidden from view. And once you see that complexity, cruelty becomes harder to justify. Maybe intelligence isn’t the word I’ve been looking for all this time. Maybe what I mean is wisdom.

I used to think wisdom naturally came with age. Now I’m not so sure because as I get older I start to notice that just because someone has lived longer doesn’t mean they’ve learned from life. They may repeat the same patterns for years, avoid self-reflection and blame everyone except themselves. They age physically, but their mindset stays stuck. Maturity is about how willing you are to take responsibility, to reflect, to regulate your emotions, and to see beyond your own ego. A lot of people never get there.

Wisdom isn’t just about age, or knowledge. It’s the willingness to examine your own beliefs, question your assumptions, and remain open to the possibility that you might be wrong. Its the kind of intelligence that understands life, the one that sees nuance, consequences, emotions, and systems.

Once you truly understand how complicated people are. How much of their lives you can’t see, how many battles they’re carrying, it becomes harder to reduce them to something simple. Harder to judge them too quickly. Harder to hurt them without thinking and that starts to look like kindness.

In the end, maybe the real measure of a “grown” mind isn’t how much it knows…but how it understands. It isn’t the one that is most certain. It’s the one that can stay soft without becoming naive. The one that can disagree without dehumanizing and the one that can hold boundaries without losing empathy.

Something Rang at the End of My Meditation

Have you ever heard a bell at the end of your meditation?

It happened to me today. I was meditating on this sound and I was confused because I can’t remember adding a chime sound when making it.

For context, I made my own meditation sound using BandLab and another app that generates white noise. I was very intentional about it. I didn’t want to just mix sounds randomly, I wanted to understand it. The layers, the purpose, how it affects the mind, all of that. I’m very sure there’s no bell chime in it. I’ve added the sound below if you’re interested:

I was meditating the way I usually do, cross-legged, back straight but not stiff, hands wherever they feel comfortable. Sometimes on my knees, sometimes palms up, sometimes down, sometimes I put them together. Sometimes I do that thing where your index finger and thumb touch, but honestly I don’t overthink it. I think the real rule when meditating is to just be comfortable.

Halfway through the meditation, I started seeing colors with my eyes closed. I saw a small purple blob that is kind of expanding. Then replaced by these gray waves, then blue, then green. At some point it was like green and yellow mixed together, and it kind of looked like leaves or flowers. Then I saw something that looked like a white rose… or like a rose shape, with a faint green glow around it. I feel like I’m succumbing to something just like I’m about to sleep but I’m awake.

And then as the sound I know was ending, that’s when I heard the bell. Just one clear chime. Once the 15 min meditation sound ended I opened my eyes.

I looked it up. Turns out, it’s more common than I expected. Some people call it a “zen signal,” but it’s basically an auditory hallucination. As your brain transitions from deep relaxation back to active awareness, it can occasionally misinterpret internal neural signals as a sharp external sound like a bell or chime. This is generally considered harmless. It’s actually seen as a sign that you’ve reached a very deep level of focus, specifically what’s known as the hypnagogic state. It is the brief window where you are not quite awake anymore but you haven’t fully drifted off into a dream state yet. Your mind is still somewhat concious while your body is entering deep relaxation.

So I’m going to take that bell chime as a milestone in my meditation journey. Its like my brain dinged me like a microwave lol. A proof that my meditation is working to change my brain chemistry. After that meditation, I feel refreshed, which seems to be a good sign.