Catch 22

Last year I was supposed to post about the things I’ve learned at 25, but I just couldn’t hit publish. It felt pretentious. Who am I to hand out wisdom when I still feel like I’m stumbling around and making stupid decisions?

It felt more like I was stuck in a catch-22: wanting to share but not really believing I’m qualified to share wisdom. If I posted, I felt like a fraud. If I didn’t post, I never grew. It was almost maddening cause I’m contradicting myself. I knew what I should do. I could even picture the version of myself that had it together, but I just couldn’t move toward her.

The truth is, at that time I was still tolerating people I shouldn’t, gaslighting myself into thinking everythings fine or hoping people will change, and deep inside I feel heavy cause I knew it wasn’t growth.

Still, there’s something about 25 that feels symbolic. They say your brain (your frontal lobe) finishes developing around this age. It sounds great but being 25 to me doesn’t mean that you’ll suddenly have life figured out. It just means you’re aware enough to notice how messy it all is.

I started feeling fear about the things I never thought or was never scared about before, like getting scammed, or being scared to go solo because of my safety. I was hyper-aware of the risks. It almost felt like paranoia, but it was just me realizing how naive I used to be.

By the time I turned 26, I was finally able to publish the things I’ve learned because I feel lighter. I’d left behind the things (and people) that didn’t serve me anymore, and I walked away without regrets. Maybe you don’t magically figure it all out at 25, but you do start to understand and see yourself more clearly after that.