Catch 22

Last year I was supposed to post about the things I’ve learned at 25, but I just couldn’t hit publish. It felt pretentious. Who am I to hand out wisdom when I still feel like I’m stumbling around and making stupid decisions?

It felt more like I was stuck in a catch-22: wanting to share but not really believing I’m qualified to share wisdom. If I posted, I felt like a fraud. If I didn’t post, I never grew. It was almost maddening cause I’m contradicting myself. I knew what I should do. I could even picture the version of myself that had it together, but I just couldn’t move toward her.

The truth is, at that time I was still tolerating people I shouldn’t, gaslighting myself into thinking everythings fine or hoping people will change, and deep inside I feel heavy cause I knew it wasn’t growth.

Still, there’s something about 25 that feels symbolic. They say your brain (your frontal lobe) finishes developing around this age. It sounds great but being 25 to me doesn’t mean that you’ll suddenly have life figured out. It just means you’re aware enough to notice how messy it all is.

I started feeling fear about the things I never thought or was never scared about before, like getting scammed, or being scared to go solo because of my safety. I was hyper-aware of the risks. It almost felt like paranoia, but it was just me realizing how naive I used to be.

By the time I turned 26, I was finally able to publish the things I’ve learned because I feel lighter. I’d left behind the things (and people) that didn’t serve me anymore, and I walked away without regrets. Maybe you don’t magically figure it all out at 25, but you do start to understand and see yourself more clearly after that.

The Strange Pull of the Collective

I’ve always felt like we’re all connected. You know that strange moment when suddenly everyone’s into the same thing at the same time? People call it the bandwagon effect, but I think it’s deeper than that and harder to understand. Sometimes it feels like we’re all plugged into an invisible matrix that influences what we like, how we feel, even the things we do.

But I don’t like being part of a collective. I hate feeling dictated to. So, as much as possible, I pull back and avoid the mainstream, skip the trends, and carve out space to just be myself. I want to be my own person but sometimes this force feels bigger than me

I remember when I was a kid, I didn’t really like shanghai (spring rolls) because I didn’t like eating vegetables. But one day, shanghai started tasting good to me, and I was enjoying it without knowing that it also has became a trend. Like when I started buying mini Nitotan keychain plushies of Haikyuu characters even before the labubu craze started. I even remember inventing this weird dance move as a kid, practicing it in front of my reflection on a turned-off television. A few days later, I saw the exact same move being used by the dancers on ASAP (a ph show). It honestly made me wonder if someone had been watching me do that dance as a kid and copied me.

Right now what’s spreading is anger. People are exhausted, frustrated, and less willing to stay quiet. Anger at governments that can’t seem to get it together, at prices that keep going up, at the way lies spread online. There’s anger at injustice and inequality too, and at the feeling that we’re working harder but getting less. And I’m not ashamed to say I feel it too.

My forgetfulness Is Gonna Be My Downfall

I used to be so gullible and easy to gaslight. Mostly because I forget things too easily. I don’t really forgive. Most of the time I just forget. And that makes it way too simple for people to slide back into my life like nothing ever happened.

That’s why I started keeping a notebook. A record of the bad things people did to me. People I know and people I don’t really know. My own “memory backup.” Except… half the time, I’d forget to even write things down.

The notebook itself was this red one I picked up on sale at National Bookstore. I thought I scored a good deal, until I realized why it was discounted but it’s already too late. The “leather” started chipping off like dried paint. I ended up wrapping the whole thing in sticker paper just to save it. Still, I kind of mourned that original red leather. It made me think of the red door in the movie Insidious.

When I first used it, I realized how freeing it was to just dump everything on paper. Instead of holding grudges in my head, I could trap them in those pages. It was my way of saying: I don’t need to remember this anymore. This notebook will remember it for me.

But here’s the thing: just because I write you down in that notebook doesn’t mean I’ll never forgive you, or that I’ll carry the memory like a weapon forever. It’s not for grudges. It’s for freedom.

Sometimes, I’ll scribble something out of pure anger, convinced I’ve been wronged, only to realize later it was all just a misunderstanding. Then I laugh at myself for being so dramatic. The notebook doesn’t just remind me of the ugly, it reminds me of how human I am, how messy my emotions can be, and how they shift with time.

And honestly, the notebook comes in handy. There have been times I’d run into someone I knew I was angry at, but couldn’t remember why. I’d start second-guessing myself: maybe I overreacted? Maybe I was being unfair? The guilt would creep in. Then I’d read back exactly what happened, and suddenly I didn’t feel guilty anymore. I was mad for a reason.

I used to blame myself for everything like it was wrong to be angry at someone who treated me horribly. Writing it down reminded me: no, they really were that shitty.

So yeah, forgetfulness might be my downfall and this red notebook might be the only thing that keeps me from gaslighting myself. Every now and then, it also shows me the ways I’ve grown.

Decision-Making Matrix

The hardest choices are rarely the big ones. They can be the dumb tiny ones, like: “Do I spend 80 pesos on a Grab or roast myself alive by walking in 35-degree heat?” That decision shouldn’t take more than two seconds. But my brain likes over analyzing that I’ve wasted time deciding and then after picking, I end up thinking I chose the wrong one.

I think I’ve actually been bad at this forever. In high school, I got a tragically low score in “planning and decision making” on my NCAE. Still not sure how they even compute that and what it really means, haha. Like does it mean I should not be trusted with choices? Hopefully I’m better now.

…So I came up with this little table. Options at the top like Grab, walk, anything. Stuff that matters down the side, money, time, energy, convenience. Then I just color in the boxes: green for good, yellow for meh, red for no.

It actually clears my head. Because “Grab” isn’t just about getting somewhere, it’s about how much I value my time that day. “Walking” isn’t just walking, it’s patience and maybe a mini workout. This table can also come in handy when planning a trip.

Overthinking makes everything harder than it has to be. Life isn’t about picking perfectly but about picking and then living with it.

Things I Learned in 26 Years

I used to think that 25 was going to be THE AGE. I’d have my own house, a car, and maybe even be retired because that’s what some random blogger I read at 20 said she did. I thought 5 years was a very long time, that I would be able to do a lot of things. But the truth about turning 25 is… you still feel like you’re 24. Or 23. Or 22.

And now, here I am at 26, too old for Leonardo Davinci, yet somehow still not feeling old at all. I still have so much to learn, so many things to experience. I thought by this age I’d be my highest self, but it turns out that version of me might still be years away.

So, for now, let me just share some of the things I’ve learned so far from my 26 years of living on this spinning planet. Everything on the list is worth keeping, especially the ones at the very end.

– Not wanting something is as good as having it

– Being humble and self sabotaging is not the same!

– If you can’t be happy by yourself you have nothing

– Know your worth and go where you’re valued

– Love yourself. If you don’t love yourself you put up with abusive partners

– Don’t be afraid to lose something small. Let go and something bigger will come

– Never justify a shitty person’s behavior. Take people as they are or at face value

– Your happiness depends solely on you and not from other people.

– Reading books helps in developing empathy

– Be interested not interesting

– Comparison is the thief of joy.

– Let yourself be misunderstood. Let people believe what they want to believe

– Silence is powerful

– Not everything is personal. The world doesn’t really revolve around you

– Negativity is poison

– Romanticize your life cause magic exists where you choose to find it

– Keep taking pictures. Record everything.

– Always think long term or be intentional

– When you’re overthinking don’t think why. Ask yourself how

– Its not about what happened to you its how you choose to deal with it

– You get more peace when you see the temporary nature of things and accept it. Let it.

– Too much self awareness can sometimes be harmful. Especially when you have to overthink and over analyze everything that you do. Your reaction doesn’t always need to have a reason or an explanation. It just leads to you to look for faults within yourself or questioning yourself if you’re normal. Being normal doesn’t mean a perfect childhood, a perfect personality and a perfect mind. Yes the past has an effect on the present but the good thing is you can choose what to do and how to react now.

– If you don’t like what you’re becoming around other people be more aware of yourself. You can’t always just avoid people or cut off people every time it gets inconvenient

– Absence doesn’t make the heart go fonder. Its just some form of manipulation

– People pleasing make people stay. But its unfair to yourself. Set boundaries. You don’t owe anything to anyone.

– If he can’t plan a date how can you expect him to plan the future

– Invest in people who invest in you

– Accept what people give, let people help you and practice gratitude.

– Building a family is a commitment to love someone. Its not just about raising children

– Being a lover or soft girl feels good

– Listen to understand

– Be cringe and happy

– Don’t be scared of liking something that most people don’t. Talk about what you love more and keep quiet about what you don’t except in the moments that truly matter.

– Routines makes you feel in control

– Work smarter not harder in every part of life

– You can definitely fake it till you become it. Intentionally act like the person you want to become

– Do something you love with something you don’t like. Temptation bundle

– Don’t wait to do things. Do it now and be extreme before you lose your enthusiasm.

– Sex appeal is not the naked body but its the possibility

– Your job doesn’t care about you so don’t stress too much about it

– Using social media to seek validation is the worst way to use social media

– There’s a big difference in enjoying your youth and destroying your future

– Karma is real

– If you force yourself to forget the bad things, you become forgetful

– When making a decision ask why you should not choose it instead of why you should and you’ll be able to make a decision quick through that.

– Don’t let yourself stay in a position where you suffer just because of fear of what comes after being happy

– Enjoy life and have fun. Life is short.. so stay away from people that make your life here on earth worse

– The difficult days won’t consume your entire existence

Conversations as a Different Kind of Diary

Last month, I went on a trip that left me exhausted. Nothing went to plan, the weather, the places, everything didn’t go as expected. When I came home, I was too worn out to even make sense of it in my head. I’m so tired that I knew I’ll fall asleep soon as I hit my bed but when I get home I can’t go to sleep.

Someone asked me how my day went and I ended up telling them about how exhausting the day was. Somehow, in talking it through, I started to see the good in it.

Strangely, as I talked, it felt like I was journaling, except someone else was holding the pen with me. They asked questions and pointed out things I didn’t even notice. And through that back-and-forth, the day started to look different. Suddenly, it wasn’t a “failed” trip, it was spontaneous and memorable. Sometimes its easier for us to just see the bad or remember the bad things.

Maybe talking to someone isn’t so different from writing it down except in this version of journaling, another person you’re comfortable with gets to underline the parts you would’ve never thought to highlight.