Mysterious Magical Playlist

I have a confession.

Romanticizing life is not really easy especially when your environment is not good. When every morning begins with traffic. When your walk to work means squeezing past sidewalks that barely exist, stepping around piles of trash and catching the smell of rotting food. There are stray cats, dead rats no one has bothered to move, and a fat cockroach. The air smells like exhaust fumes mixed with garbage. The heat feels personal. Some people are rude. Most people are just trying to survive.  It isn’t exactly the scene people imagine when they tell you to “find beauty everywhere.”

I felt like an effing hypocrite for sharing about romanticizing life and loving life and noticing the little things when I’ve been working from home ever since I finished my studies. It’s easier to appreciate life when you’ve carefully curated your surroundings. Though not to invalidate my wfh self, it is still hard to romanticize life even when you can control what you see when you’re facing difficulties.

Last month I had to leave the bubble.

The first and second week was miserable. I feel like throwing a tantrum in the middle of the road. I don’t think I actually would have done it… but emotionally I was already on the floor.

By the time I got home, I didn’t want to do anything anymore. I was victimizing myself. I started convincing myself that because I was tired, my dreams were slowly disappearing. Then I came to a realization that its not really that bad. In fact the biggest danger really is thinking that your dreams are slipping away because of exhaustion so you don’t do anything at all. I also read Alysa Liu’s quote that inspired me. She said that she loves struggling and it makes her feel alive. To me it means that you use that difficulty that you’re experiencing as a way to sharpen yourself instead of it wearing you down.

Slowly I learned to adjust. I’ve started to notice the good things even when the bad seems overwhelming. You don’t really need to wait for comfort in order to appreciate life. You should not let your surroundings decide whether you’re allowed to experience joy.

I walk more than six thousand steps every weekdays now. My legs have muscles I never noticed before. My joint pain disappeared and my mood became lighter. Its like a miracle.

Home will always be my favorite place in the world though. It’s where I don’t have to perform. It’s where I can exist without feeling observed. There is a kind of freedom in closing your own door that no cafe or city street can compete with.

Sooo these are the little things that have helped me lately. One is walking. Waking up early in the morning and walking and taking in the first ray of sunshine makes me feel good.

Another is taking a bath in candlelight. Its sooo relaxing until I start imagining myself in a horror movie and the audience were screaming at me like why would she take a bath in candle light that’s why the ghost will get her first. Thankfully, no ghosts so far.

The third should be journaling but I would usually feel tired to think about what happened the whole day and write it down. My alternative is talking to a someone or having a monologue in the morning while I’m getting ready for work. I really wanted to follow a daily routine or to do lists that I need to check at the end of the day but then I realized that sleep is more important than a routine.

Romanticizing life isn’t pretending everything is beautiful. Some days smell like traffic, exhaustion, and poor urban planning. Some days are uncomfortable enough to make you question every motivational quote you’ve ever saved. The point isn’t to erase those parts. The point is to notice that somehow, in between the commute, the sore feet, and the first sunlight of the morning, life still leaves tiny moments that are still worth paying attention to.

Here’s a playlist that has songs that made life feel mysterious and magical to me. It is still under construction but I want to share it now.