Songs To Cry To

Hi,

I hope you’re okay.

Me, I’m feeling… not exactly sad… it’s more like a jenesequa kind of sadness.

I really don’t like it when I share anything about my love life or personal life here so I try my best to be vague. But this felt relevant and I like writing about something from the past. Hopefully, this is the last personal thing I’ll write for a while.

Its true… The saying where they say if you feel that much love or pain towards the wrong person, what more would you feel towards the right one? I used to think that love can get used up, that if you give it all to the wrong person, there’d be nothing left when the right one finally came along. The truth is we have infinite amount of love to give. It doesn’t run out and limiting the amount of love you give just because of fear of it running out or fear of being too much is a sad way to live. And I had to learn that the long way.

Which brings me here. Falling so deep in love and getting my heart broken so bad was in my bucket list (I guess that’s my way of convincing myself to not be afriad of getting my heart broken before), but so far, I hadn’t crossed it yet. I thought I did before, but its just limerence. Heartbreak does strange things to you. You try new things, go to unfamiliar places, reply to messages you’d normally ignore because once your heart is broken, the fear kind of disappears. Compared to a broken heart, what else could really hurt more right?

The strange thing is you feel this pain because of love. Its just too illogical…love. Scratch that, limerence. Either way, its illogical. You’re blinded by it, and the only way out seems to be hate… but you can’t hate them. You can’t because you make up excuses or keep making sense of what they did even though its not really making any sense. You force yourself to understand because you can’t let go. Eventually, the frustration has nowhere to go, so it spills and suddenly, you’re mad at everyone. Especially men.

A small confession: what helped me the most was listening to Wizardliz. I listened to all of her videos. Seriously. Sometimes you just need to cringe at yourself. Be embarrassed and feel disgusted to see it with clarity.

That’s enough oversharing. This isn’t really a heartbreak playlist (I made a different one for that). Its for when you want to cry or when you’re self blaming and maybe wanted to romanticize it just to survive it.

With tears in my eyes,

Belle